Wow! Thank you All for Reading!

My heart is grateful to you all for reading "I Can't Complain." I had thought no one was reading until I looked up the statistics and found that I have friends in many different countries. Hugs all around.

This Poem is Hereby (re-)Copyrighted by Me

To preface the poem, let me just say that it spun out of a Star Trek fan fiction parody and role-playing writing group after someone introduced a floating Martian walrus as a non-player character. I decided to make it a Beatles parody too.

I am he
as you are we
and he is me
and we are all together

see how we float
like pigs in a boat
see how we fly
don't cry

tachyonic warp-flares
telling of the strife to come
endothermic t-shirts
don't thaw me 'til Tuesday
man, you've been a naughty
boy you let your warp core blow

he is a space dude
I am a space chick
I am a walrus
Goo goo ga-choo

expert electronic brains
are navigating your whole world
for you
isn't it nice?
trust PAL with your life
believe what you like
don't cry

don't cry
don't cry
don't cry

big Rihannsu war-bird
twenty kilometres off
their ship's aim is perfect
what would Captain Kirk do?
sound the red alert
the multi-phasic sheilds are down.

he is a space dude
she is a space chick
i am a walrus
goo goo ga-choo

sitting in an English garden
waiting for the sun
if the sun don't come
it's 'cause the holodeck
is out of juicy-juice

he is a space dude
she is a space chick
i am a walrus
goo goo ga-choo

goo goo ga-choo
ga goo goo ga choo ga goo

Now That I'm in the Band

Well, now I have new friends in Maryland. They go places and do things and now I am with them! I'll be playing keyboards, guitar and backup vocals.

OK, I'm attracted to someone in the band. I might as well admit it, if only in this blog. But I'm not going to do anything about it except be really nice to the guy and be a really good friend. The main reason for this is that he has two divorces under his belt, and nobody can get two annullments -- so why start anything? I'm not going to. I don't have to. I like hanging out with him and making music. What more do I need?

It's a lot like the way I feel about Captain Kirk. I like him better with the Klingon women than with me.

Pursuant to Previous Post

By "house chores will always be there and will never be done;" what I really meant was that they'll never be finished. Of course they're "done," in that people spend lots of precious time doing them. They just can't be finished because maintentance is an ongoing thing.

Brain Dump

Ah, when will I learn to compose offline?

I found a solution for my friend's water ...

But not for mine. I hear my well pump needs help. I haven't been home...

Too many disperate things need my attention. I might have fixed up my property more, but I get embedded in the web of concerns that belongs to this place that I'm in...

It isn't healthy the way I carry on here. I rush through a to-do list that's never the same twice. Lacking is the sense that I'm building something of value. When I had a Star Trek writing club I had a reason to get up in the -- er, well, afternoon. I had a life of dreams to cherish, a reason to rush through my chores. It's hard to get started with stuff like that again. You think, "What for? I'm not gonna get time to make it a regular thiing." My father said I should force myself to do fun things until they really become fun.

The "life of dreams to cherish" was bigger than any hobby, but supported by all of them.

I need exercise. One Idea I have is to ask the neighbor to walk with me regularly. She might be too busy and/or athletic for walking. And the weather can really suck around here. Lately it's been good in the evening though. Maybe she'll do it.

Tomorrow I have an art school meeting. I'll bring the bagels and cream cheese, if I remember them.

Here's something I should do -- should should should do but I can see myself somehow not doing it. When I talked about addressing this problem my mother pointed out the housework that doesn't get done and complained that I tend to get involved in other people's problems while things don't always get done around here. My take on it is, house chores will always be there and will never be done; while other people's problems are a big part of what Christians are on Earth for. So here's this thing I should do ...

What I should do is write to Child Protective Services and tell them about the child I saw being abused on TV's "Wife Swap." Reality TV pays people to behave badly in the name of entertainment; but abuse is not entertainment, so if you see abuse happening on Reality TV it seems likely to be real. I want to tell them about Michaela. I don't know what episode, when it was aired, where she's from or what her last name was. I was probably doing chores while the show was on, and didn't really see much of it. The problem is that her parents make her work all the time. On the show, her father made her fetch something for him that he could almost reach, apparently just to underscore his mastery. The indication was that he treated her that way all the time. He didn't allow her to have any friends. She was being denied the chance to learn and grow the way other kids do. Well, hopefully if Child Protective Services views the tape they'll see what I saw and I won't have to scratch my head for ways to describe it. Michaela, I hope you have a fan club online! I hope someone is already in your corner. I hope your parents take turns serving jail time and supporting the family.

OCD = big worry machine... I need exercise to blow the cobwebs out of my mind...

I was going to walk 6 miles around the State Fair with a friend, but he backed out twice. I won't be making any plans with him anymore that require me to go out of my way. Sure, I'll stop at Starbuck's on my way home from Church. But that's the extent of it. I won't go half a mile out of my way to meet up with him because everything is too tentative with him.

One problem I have is that this isn't Seattle. There's nobody beating down the door and nobody ringing the phone off the wall. If I want to talk to anyone ... I'm S.O.L. I almost had nobody to even ask to go to the fair...

I got that mean drunk from Annapolis out of my life. I got rid of a similar type last year. And it helps to avoid malicious or disrespectful people. Mind you, I don't tell them to never call and never write; that's wrong because something important may need to be said at some point, among other things. I just don't hang out with them or count them as friends. I don't concern myself with them...

And like I said it helps to get rid of certain people but then the challenge is on to find better friends to replace them with. Will the neighbor really walk with me? Will anyone want to take me to the fair? I haven't cultivated enough of a social network here in Maryland, to put it mildly...

It's very late and I'm falling asleep.

Just Say No

Not every day, nor not every week, but sometimes your brain just says "no" to just about anything you propose. The sandman pounds on your door at some strange time of the day.

It's enough to make one sympathize with those who do an occasional line of coke. I have never, ever tried it. Something deep inside me knee-jerks a "Just say no!" But logically, if it were legal, it would make a lot of sense for those times when your mind just isn't at your disposal.

Worried Myself Sick

My tongue turned white and my blood turned into acetone as I worried. There seemed to be no relief. I prayed. Perhaps it was by Divine intervention, then, that I finally achieved calm – a calm I haven't experienced since... since … since Reagan took office??? It seems like it. There have been times when I could relax, but only the way one might on a coffee break. Could that be right? Memories are tricky, but I think that's mostly right. So I wanted to write about this strange Nirvana lest I lose sight of it. It seems to be from God, a gift, a response to prayer. Strangely, those old sayings about how God doesn't promise a life free of calamity, but does offer to be present throughout any calamity, now ring true and are a comfort, whereas heretofore that kind of talk left me still shaking in my shoes. Life and happiness (to the extent I could consider myself happy) always seemed so precarious. It was like living on a decaying asteroid or something. By contrast, this calm was like living on Terra firma, in a house built on rock.

Another thing that characterizes this new calm is kinship with animals, wanting to take care of them and being happy when they are happy. I convinced someone to send money to the sea turtle eggs of the Gulf of Mexico, so that they could be rescued and swim away free and happy into the Atlantic while BP finished cleaning up their native Gulf. The thought of the happy, safe baby turtles was like insurance against any bad thing that might happen to me. I hope I don't fall into calamity; but if I do, the turtles are still safe and happy. Treasure in Heaven is safe. Treasure in the Gulf of Mexico may be a little precarious, but it's somehow a good metaphor and more than a metaphor, or at least that's how I feel.

All around me are people getting sick and being challenged to come up with impossible sums of money to protect what they have. It's a harrowing life if I let it get to me. When someone gets sick it's like a train wreck that I can't look away from. And people are just getting terribly sick. I think sometimes that if I were in their shoes I would totally freak out. But I don't know anymore. I pray that everyone gets well and that everyone be protected and kept safe, myself especially. I mean, I could cease to dwell on the thought of a sick neighbor or friend, but I can't even take a coffee break from myself. May God forgive me.

I thank God for the peace that passes all understanding, supposing that's really what I have.

Avatar Movie -- Pursuant to Previous Post

OK, sorry. That was lame. I don't need a second viewing to state the obvious. Avatar was building on the cowboys-and-indians theme; and it deliberately channeled Pocahontas right down to choreography. The scene where someone discovers his lover for the first time was done almost without words, but went through all the same material as usual. Jake was seeing this alien, his wife, for the first time through his own eyes and the audience followed his thoughts... I wish I had taken notes because it went by so fast.

And yet, all that being said, I'm sure there was more in the "old material" department that wasn't quite so obvious and which I have forgotten by now. I remember the tough, officious Marine and the corporate backer bullies...

Oh, here's one. This was probably intentional on somebody's part because so many people are involved in productions like this. Remember when Ernie swiped Burt's cowboy hat and ended up suggesting that Burt use a fishbowl instead of the hat so that he could play "cowboys and indians in outer space?" The hat fits. Ride-em cowboy! Why is the Burt and Ernie version not on YouTube? (BTW YouTube also has an incomplete set of Sesame Street Beatles videos.)

Avatar Movie

Friday night I saw Avatar. Did critics call it predictable and formulaic? I’m not even gonna look. I figure if Avatar hadn’t used the old themes it couldn’t comment on them. It certainly seemed to be building on old material. (I wish I could be more specific but, to do that, I’m afraid I’d need a second viewing. Right now I’m going on a general impression.) Much appreciated is Avatar’s reliance on subtext. They don’t tell you those creatures are telepathic, but by the time it matters, you know they are.

Kromkowski -- Name that Bass Line!

I used to occupy an office that shared one wall with that of John David Kromkowski, Esquire (real name -- why not?)and at night he would often crank up the stereo. The low notes made it through the wall beautifully, so much so that I would play a rousing game of Name that Bass Line while working in the next room.

pursuant to previous post -- keeping you posted

I learned some physics, relegated chaos theory to the realm of intuition. (Intuition was made for that, right?) And then I started learning and reviewing some history -- history that really affected my generation X -- history that fits my memories and the premise of my new project. And of course the project is the reason I undertook these studies.

Quotes from Star Trek 28 The City on the Edge of Forever

Capt. Kirk: Arrives where? Honolulu, Boise, San Diego? Why not Outer Mongolia, for that matter?
Spock: There is a theory. There could be some logic to the belief that time is fluid, like a river, with currents, eddies, backwash.
Capt. Kirk: And the same currents that swept McCoy to a certain time and place might sweep us there, too.
Spock: Unless that is true, Captain, we have no hope.

In the New move Star Trek by Bad Robot, they really took this and ran with it. You could almost see the currents and eddies. And all the sky-diving and beautiful atmouspheric footage hinted at the analogy.

What I'm trying to do in my new project is to take this and run in a slightly different heading. It's time to review the language of chaos theory. I'll keep you posted.

Inf Charlotte

Gardening is Queen of Chores

Mom saved my day today. Our 14-year-old retriever, Charlie, had dripped diarrhea around a large area of floor, making a huge mess. Of course it was my job to clean it up because, unlike anyone else in my immediate family, my back is just fine and I can bend down very easily. My mother encouraged me to put in the time to clean up the mess before breakfast, and I'm so glad I did. And, left to my own devices, I almost certainly would not have done that. Left to my own volition, I don't know how it would ever have gotten cleaned up!

And then there was gardening. I was unusually groggy this afternoon, even contemplating taking a nap, when my mother insisted I start my gardening chores. I don't get to garden every day so I was able to remark on my experience gardening today. Literally hundreds of generations of human beings have banked their time gardening, so it's little wonder that this activity soothed the anxiety that can accompany other pursuits -- the anxiety borne of fear that the moments are somehow not being put to their best use. I had a pretty good day because I was able to borrow volition from my mother. And that is how humans have handled things for hundreds of generations -- borrowing one another's volition.

Don't get me wrong. I think that in general duress is a bad thing. But this encouragement I enjoyed today stopped short of being duress. And whatever it was, it worked out well for me in this case.

Monday Monday

I drove my father to the TV station where he's camping out today.

Strains of "Revolver" stream through my browser.

Um, um, what else? I forgive myself for looking a little ratty and drowned today. The heat wave is just passing.

Laundry is on the agenda for today. I need to pull together loose ends and make a fresh, new to-do list. I need to deal with a parking ticket someone with a similar license plate to mine racked up while I was out of town. The grant I might qualify for deserves looking into. And my legs need to be waxed. A freelance writing assignment needs to be finished and polished; while another one has died without a kill fee. Let me explain. It's not on me. The scientist who discovered the thing I'm supposed to write about wrote to me, saying essentially that no one has yet undertaken the primary research that would have allowed journalists to write the type of article I hastily undertook last week. The publisher's guidelines state clearly that this will sometimes happen and that, in this case, the article is killed (probably sans kill fee, which sucks because I put in the time.) It's just that, the publisher hasn't given me the final word on this particular case, which leaves me a little nervous. (What if they found another scientist? What if they decide not to support my decision?)

My depression has lifted a little, probably because it's around my 4th day on the rag. Anxiety and depression seem to lift the first day. I imagine it continues to dissipate throughout my period, but I don't really pay enough attention to know if I can expect that in general.

"Revolver" is one of my musical contemporaries, as I put it. Although it was released and charting around the time I was born, many of the songs were airplay-popular again a few years later, when the Beatles broke up. The album is a substantial part of my childhood.

John and Yoko Dish about the big Duce?

I'm playing "Revolver," just remembered my take on "She Said She Said --" It sounds a little like John and Yoko talking about childhood memories of World War II. My version:

He said
Baby the Atlantic was blitzed
She said the Pacific was bombed
And they're making me feel like
I've never been born

This Poem is Hereby Copyrighted by Me

Josie went to space
and sang a song
to English-speaking aliens
who danced along
now her story was simple
and not too bright
but I'll bet you old red
got just one thing right

I think aliens would love our music
terrestrial song is just what this galaxy needs
aliens would love our music
be they hatched from eggs
or sprung from tiny seeds
yeah
aliens would love our music

Vic Fontaine sang
In an antique style
All the creatures in the holosuite
Came to stay awhile
And listen to the syncopated melody
Odo snaps his fingers just like you and me

'Cause aliens would love our music
terrestrial song is just what this galaxy needs
aliens would love our music
be they hatched from eggs
or sprung from tiny seeds
yeah
aliens would love our music

Now I'm gonna go
right down to SETI
and hook up my amp
and rock all ready
I'll tell all those creatures
in outer space
if they want some more
come jam with the human race

Aliens would love our music
terrestrial song is just what this galaxy needs
aliens would love our music
be they hatched from eggs
or sprung from tiny seeds
yeah
aliens would love our music

What a Stress-fest!

Waiting for someone to leave the house is unbearable. You can't do anything or get involved in anything, because this person will have volumes to speak on the way out, and if you're involved in anything you will be called away. You have to listen now, because there is no later -- they're leaving -- or so they say. They'll leave at the last minute in a rush. Your mind is filling with chores and projects you will have to start after they leave.

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday I went out with an old friend and conversed for almost five hours. That was nice.

Today what I'm up against is poison ivy, the return of my appetite, lots of work to do -- new client, old client, prospective client, gardening -- animals that need their medicine, a plumber who can't help me anymore, distracting thoughts, a chilly day in June.

Note to the Future

My third grade teacher, Mrs. Branch (real name, why not?) pointed out to us children that one of the ways people abused one another was by requiring one another to be at a certain place at a certain time. I think she even pointed out the 15 minute tolerance. At some time between then and now, the rules were relaxed. Doctors no longer charge patients for missed appointments, for example, presumably because everyone's in such a tizzy that the old expectations are really too much to ask.

I don't mean to suggest that Mrs. Branch's observation would no longer apply, only that society has relented somewhat, in consideration of today's jam-packed schedules. The change seemed to start about 25 years ago, by my reckoning.

More Brain Dump

My wonderful ex-fiancee Anwar is coming over for a visit. I was of two minds about this. On the one hand, I don't want to encourage any kind of emotional infidelity (towards his new wife.) On the other hand, humans weren't designed to be close to one another and then lose one another for good. People are meant to live and die in the same community with the same people. People should always continue to associate with (or at least be open to associating with) the people they've been close to -- or even people they used to associate with in any capacity. Anything less seems unnatural and just wrong.


I dreamed about Nicola again lately, a couple of times actually. In these dreams I travel and try to make contact with Nicola, who also seems to be traveling. In these dreams I am elated to be close to him. In real life Nicola is not someone I can relate to. Nobody knows what he's about. Nobody knows what he hopes to accomplish in this lifetime or what makes him tick. I have a better rapport with my cat than with Nicola. At least I have some idea of what is important to the cat, language barrier notwithstanding.


I just had a 670 calorie dinner that's sitting heavy in me. I couldn't eat another bite.

Brain Dump

I seem to be in one of those client traps where they pay you too little to get the job done. (Sigh.) Ironically, my boss at the art school is in the same trap. I've heard about it before. It's a classic. One guy (unfortunately one I worked for) said he often bargained contractors down so low that he couldn't get them to show up and ultimately had to renegotiate.

Well, that guy (a Baltimore businessman, nobody who would be reading this) was out of control but, in general, you can't blame clients. They offer what they can, or at least it's polite to assume that they do.


Was it LeRochefucauld who said that people who do small things become incapable of doing large things? I think that this has happened to me a lot. I used to have a lot to say for myself, but now when I sit down to write I just get annoyed because my head is full of chopstick.

My cat loves the song "Georgia on my Mind" by Ray Charles. It just came on the radio now. Many of the animals I know have special songs I sing to them, which they come to associate with my affection. One cat, Spike, had a set of songs that meant different things to him. There was "Henry VIII," which meant that we were driving home. There was "Moonshadow," which meant that we were going for a walk. I made up a little tune called "Kitty go Ridin'" which he actually didn't seem to appreciate as much as the others. I also had a version of "Hey, Mickey" (Toni Basil) to express affection for little Spike.

One day, when Spike was about seventeen and on his last legs, he lay sprawled on my mother's porch as I prepared to drive home to Pennsylvania. I said, "C'mon, Spike; We're leaving," but he didn't acknowledge. Then my mother stroked him and told him to get up because I was leaving. Still, Spike didn't budge. I said, "Now, watch this, Mom," and I whistled "Henry XIII," whereupon Spike perked right up and went to the car! Oh, I love Spike!


Man, what was I so eager to write when I was out walking the dogs and the thoughts were really flowing? I don't know, but maybe I should list some short-range, medium-range and long-range plans.

Short-range: Follow up on doctor visit; pony up $118 for a new toilet; do some laundry; get more work; get some exercise (re-discover the White Album again?); get a shower; get some sleep and try not to be depressed... What else? I know there's much more I need to be worried about right now. Where is it hiding? I have to find some documents for an art school meeting; write to a priest about how I suck at getting good things done, and how I'm not sure God will have me, and how I want to fix both of these things, or maybe just let God fix them.

Medium-range: Build my house -- maybe prospecting for all kinds of help on facebook wouldn't be a bad idea.

I sent out some fishing lines and nobody bit. I'm a good writer and I'm really good at a lot of things. I should be gainfully employed, not just hand-to-mouth.

A neighbor who apparently liked my art once said that she was waiting for me to paint an heap of pictures and simply go into business selling my art on the internet. How would I get from here to there? I barely have time to visit the latrine, and not because I'm busy winning rewards but just because I'm busy staying out of trouble.

What Am I, Captain Von Trappe?

I saw the weirdest sale at the supermarket recently. Large loaves of bread sat behind a sign that said, "Buy one, get one free!"

My Letter to Hillary

I strongly urge you to deny permits to TransCanada, and stop the construction of the Keystone XL pipeline through our communities and lands.

Tar sands oil production is incredibly toxic and puts American communities and wildlife populations at risk, while setting us back from our goal of transitioning to clean renewable energy sources.

I can't believe you were considering this. It doesn't sound like you at all! Somebody up there must be twisting your arm. Make them stop. I know that you and the Obamas sometimes consider items like this as bargaining chips so that powerful interests will be more amenable to the progressive agendas that are being put forward on behalf of the working poor, such as myself. But one thing I have to say (and I wish I had said it to the president before the BP oil spill) is that I'm not worth "bargaining chips" that imperil the earth. People like me have been abused since 1980, and if this is what it takes to rescue us, forget it. Let us continue to be abused by corporations, Republicans, employers, creditors etcetera, but protect the Earth and its innocent creatures.

Pursuant to Recent Cob-Oriented Post

I'm close to being able to trade some solvency for shelter. But maybe I shouldn't act so fast. My cat and my dog could both benefit from elective surgery. How would I feel if I spent the money on a building project and left the animals waiting longer for relief?

Nobody Know's What it's Like ...

... to suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder. It's a torment, but I persevere every day.

More on Cob

Cob in my neighborhood is cheaper than I ever dreamed it would be. It breaks down to about $2 per cubic foot. I need less than 800 cubic feet. Then I just need to commission an Amish roof and get down a technique for a few doors and windows. And my bank account? It's almost there!! Just $1000 will get me started; $2000 will get me so close I might as well renew the permit. $3000 will cap me off, whereas folks in less lucky locations have paid as much as $3500 for similar projects. I'm on easy street. Because I live on easy street. ;)

Why Clay is Dirt Cheap in my Neighborhood

I noticed a long time ago that, everywhere I dug at my place In Pennsylvania, I got clay -- not the nicest material for gardening. I fought it long and hard and finally got a good garden. Now, however, I want clay for my cob building project. Here is a quote from http://www.quoits.info/clay/clay.html that I find interesting:

Among the farmlands of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, the soil is rich and fertile, and excellent for growing crops. But another favorable feature of this ground... is the large amount of naturally occurring clay soils. This clay was most likely formed from sedimentary deposits of the Susquehanna River on the western edge of the county, and other small creeks that flow though the area on their way into the river. Water is a natural producer of fine silt and clay, so many soils near these waterways can be composed almost entirely of clay. To find naturally-occurring sources of clay, you should first look in areas like this. If you can gain public access to property along streams or rivers, look along the stream banks and the ground just above them.

Well, I have a stream, so that explains it. The article also lists a source for the dirt-cheap clay, assuming I want to buy by the ton (and I do!)

Another Chat with My Russian Friend

me: I'm back. I missed you.

5 minutes
11:31 PM Mel: Hey! How have you been?
11:35 PM me: I feel strange. I wrote something... I don't know how I feel about what I wrote. I spent the weekend traveling with a friend, and I thought he was selfish and mean. Well, maybe I was expecting too much in terms of altruism...
  but...
  I do insist that people treat me respectfully. I don't want people shouting at me or telling me what to do or putting me down.
11:36 PM Mel: Why did he shoutat you?
 me: So I wrote this letter. He probably lost patience...
11:37 PM In one instance I wanted to walk 1/3 mile down the hill to get ginger ale or coke to fix my stomach. I said I'd be back...
11:38 PM He said I should wait for him by the car instead because it was too far to walk. Well, aside from the stomach ache I was healthy as a horse, so I didn't think it was far to walk at all. Besides, the car was a lonely place to be and it was locked up. So I told him...
  I told him that, if he wasn't at the car, I'd come back up the hill to watch the races with him, and he shouted, "Don't!" in a very demanding, commanding tone of voice...
  I'll never know exactly where he was coming from.
11:39 PM So when I got to the car and he wasn't there I took a little walk...
 Mel: Hmm... That's strange.
  Perhaps he was in a bad mood.
 me: And when he never came back I went back to the races and he acted strangely normal
  I said, "You didn't want me to see this?"
 Mel: What races are these?
11:40 PM me: He said, "I didn't think you were interested." So that's the only explanation I got.
  Car races.
 Mel: Very strange.
 me: Sometimes he shouted at me to get going because I was tarrying too long.
11:41 PM And he made me wake up long before I wanted to at camp. It's like he wasn't even looking for a way to accommodate me. He didn't take an apologetic tone. He just told me to get up and held firm, which I thought was rude.
  Do you want to see what I wrote to him?
  It
11:42 PM It's at icantcomplain2.blogspot.com
  I feel bad about it because I mentioned an episode from 10 years ago that he confided in me... I thought it would make him realize that I had a leg to stand on in complaining about his manners but...
  I think it mainly just hurt his feelings, so now I feel pretty sad.
11:44 PM Mel: That's a larger letter. I'll have a look at it later today. I now have to proofread a quite chunky technical text.
  I'm sorry you had such a bad weekend.
 me: Thanks.
 Mel: Maybe he'll understand his fault and will make it up to you later?
 me: When might we discuss a new format for [shop talk omitted here]? I was thinking...
11:45 PM Oh, maybe, I don't know... I'm thinking probably not. He thinks I'm overly sensitive.
 Mel: You can write a brief of what you are thinking about them, what we can change and then we can discuss it.
11:46 PM me: I was thinking the new format is a challenge because we would [shop talk omitted from here on out.]

Letter Sent to Erstwhile Travel Companion who Offended

Hi Mike,

Remember about 10 years ago when you said your other [erstwhile] friends thought you were an "a-%*)$" and I was the only one you had left? I figure those people did you wrong in as much as they blew out the door without any discussion. I'm not exactly blowing out the door myself but I feel there should be some dialog.

You say I'm overly sensitive about little things, but think about it. It's in the little things we say and do -- a tone of voice, an expression of attitude -- that we express respect or lack thereof. It's not my job to tell people how to behave outside of any relationship with me, but I do insist on being treated with respect. Yesterday even as we were trying to work things out I noticed that you scoffed at me three times. It was just more of the same. In dance class you caught it on tape, but with me you didn't catch it at all.

I said to my father, "Do you think there will come a point where Mike forgets the stuff about thinking I'm overly sensitive and just remembers that he hurt me and he should try to behave?" But Dad said, no, he didn't think you would because you didn't strike him as the kind of guy who would consider information that might reflect badly on himself. I don't think he's entirely right about that because you did tape yourself in class and you stopped making disrespectful comments there.

Let me tell you about the trip. I actually had something of a good time. I played my guitar and had no work to do and a pleasant change of scenery. I got $48 worth of retail therapy whereas I hardly ever get to spend an appreciable amount of discretionary money. For an old gal, I pretty much had a blast. That doesn't mean I wasn't taken aback by some of the stuff you said. I don't see any contradiction there. Somehow you do, and that's a mystery to me.

The trip started badly when I had to pull every card out of my sleeve to save our plans from the impasse you set up. Somehow you thought it was more important to leave yourself the option of hanging out late if you felt like it, than to let me get back here in time to help my family. (This was before I worked out an alternate date with Bobby et al.) When I got off the phone I said to my mother, "I don't know how anyone could be that mean." And she said, "If he's that mean, why are you going?" I said, "Because I don't want to be a fink. He spent the money and we made a plan; I owe it to him to go." And that was that. I decided that I would make the best of it that I possibly could even though I didn't really feel like going. And I succeeded in that. I started off by giving you flowers and saying, "Happy vacation, Michael K!" I also made a point of not reacting too quickly when I thought I was being slighted, but to wait and think things over, sleep on them, and see how I ultimately felt. I succeeded in that, because I have a lot of practice in that kind of restraint. It is my usual habit. I did good last weekend!

[Text omitted -- makes little sense out of context and doesn't contribute to post.]

-- Kitty

P.S. The buckwheat benefitted me, too, with a few calls from Mother Nature. I think we should both make buckwheat a regular part of our diets.

Pursuant to Previous Post

I forgot! I have to shop today! Throw that on the list.

Tuesday Evening

Good! The ELO/Pandora music (featuring the Beatles -- see last post) has helped the cat to get some sleep. I wanted him to sleep in preference to hunting on this cold and rainy day. Rainy days are statistically unkind to cats who live near public thoroughfares.

Let's see... What do I have to do?

__ dishes
__ laundry
__ give cat medicine
__ give dogs medicine
__ bring in dog food mega-sack from car
__ send $100 to Russ
__ write out a rent check for my current situation
__ get warm
__ dust furniture
__ vaccuum 2nd floor?
__ fix dinner

Obviously I'm not going to get to everything in the next 4 hours, but I may as well lay it out before I prioritize, pick and choose. To resume, then...

__ write about [I'll have to think of an alias for the guy]
__ write about Mel's lazy people (has to do with recent post)
__ check in with this blog later just by way of feeling connected to the world
__ read from the Bible


Billy Joel came on the radio. He annoys me a little.

Music on a Tuesday

I have my ELO station on Pandora, the house to myself, chores to do, coffee to drink...

Something just came on the radio. Pandora knows its members. This has been my favorite song for most of my life. (Before it came out I'm told my favorite was another Beatles song, but I don't remember very much before this song came out. And I'm sure there were others I liked in-between... Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah, I think every child in my class loved this song, because, when the music teacher played it for my 7th grade chorus a sigh went through the crowd of kids. It was a blast from the past for everybody.

Modeling Today

I don't see any problem with charging $25 for an hour session 3 miles away while I'm dirt poor and just getting back into modeling. Stay on the left side of the balance sheet, you know?

My new client is a recording technician who likes to sketch people. I asked him if he might set up my home studio equipment in lieu of payment for a modeling gig. He said that was doable. that's the type of flexible business relationship I can expect for keeping my prices reasonable in the first place.

Nicola Called

Ah, the mysterious Nicola. He does a little of this and a little of that, but nobody knows what he's really about. He takes everyone in small doses, including me. But today he called me. Imagine that!

Is it possible to have deep-dish dialog with Nicola? He has an icon online that says he's available to chat... I actually have chatted with him, probably just once online. I wonder what he talks about with other people. Relativity? Chess? Probably not economics; I couldn't seem to get into that topic with him. And I'm not much for relativity or chess.

Archaological Find

While cleaning my junk today I found a piece of paper I had scribbled on. It read:

rescue bot rockets
into position
beneath falling [sky-]diver
& deploys stiff inflated
surface, phasing into
parachute mode

Chat with Russian Friend

Mel is in Russia and that's not his real name.


me: Hi

11:27 PM Mel: Hey!

me: As you can see, I still have some work to do.
11:28 PM Halloween was the hardest thing to write about. In fact, my community already went over to the controversy.

11:29 PM Mel: Why was it hard?

me: There's so much fighting about Halloween here. One community after another is taking it out of schools. I thought Pennsylvania was ahead of the curve in this matter but when I googled it the first example that came up was from Texas.

11:30 PM Mel: It's news to me. I thought everyone liked this holiday.

me: And it's not just the fighting. I have to admit, I pretty much side with the faction that doesn't want Halloween to be a spooky masquerade. The Church Vigil part is OK by me.

11:31 PM Mel: OK, I'll have a look then.

11:32 PM me: Historically, this is very interesting.
11:33 PM It's good to see you, though. I was lonely. And I was working very hard on so many things -- teaching my class, gardening, taking care of my animals, helping my family, trying to fix my mother's computer (this time I wasn't able to do it by myself.)
11:34 PM My dog has come over to the computer.

11:35 PM Mel: You've got so many things to do!
I think that's good.
For me it's also going to be a very busy day.
Friday usually is crazy.
But then weekend is coming. Time to rest.

11:36 PM me: Oh, yes.
11:38 PM There is a pretty, smart and popular girl in the class I teach. I noticed that boys misbehave to make her happy instead of behaving to make me happy. This time she had boys playing tag with her in class, so I asked another teacher to come in and yell at her. I didn't know what else to do. I can't yell and I had already asked everyone to behave.

Mel: How old are they?

11:39 PM me: seven and eight, mostly. Maybe some are six. The girl I talked about, Chloe is eight.
They've been sitting still for six hours by the time I get there.
They're ready to break loose.
I think their school day is too long.
11:40 PM I wish I could teach this on a Sunday instead.

Mel: 6 hours is far too long.
That's strange that boys already start to behave like this in front of girls. Isn't it too early for them?

11:41 PM me: I don't know. Sometimes it happens with some kids. I noticed one seven-year-old boy had a girlfriend.
When I was in Kindergarten I liked a boy and he liked me too. But we didn't talk about it.

Mel: Wow!

me: I know.
11:42 PM Some boys think girls are icky and don't want to play with them.
That sounds more like my generation.

11:43 PM Mel: Interestingly, people start paying paying attention to such kind of stuff at this early age, but marriages tend to be later and later.

11:44 PM me: I've read things in the Bible that remind me of that.
If I'm not mistaken, some passages that refer to economic downturns say something like, "... and maidens and young men languished."
11:45 PM The Jews in the Bible apparently had the sense to build houses for their kids when they wanted them to get married.
Now kids figure they can't afford the house or anything else so they just forget about it for a long time.
11:47 PM I don't know what gave me the idea they were building the houses. I don't think the Bible explicitly said that. I think there was some discussion of distribution of land among landowners' children.

Mel: But even the well-to-do children don't get married for a looong time.

11:48 PM me: That's a good point. I'll have to think about that one.
Some movie stars marry young.
Some movie stars stay single for a very long time, though.

11:49 PM Mel: A friend of mine got married at 30 just because "it's time". Not that she wanted it so much. She does enjoy it now, but it was still quite interesting. She and her husband earn quite a lot. So, money wasn't an issue here.

me: The very rich, very quiet son of John and Yoko didn't marry, or if he did it was in secret... Your post just reminded me of an interesting true story in my life...
11:50 PM A man I knew was from Pakistan. He flirted with me a lot and...
11:51 PM We went out only once as it happened. He told me that people in his country got married when they were 25, traditionally. Suddenly, I understood. "Oh, I get it. You're 25 and you want to get married." He showed me his ID. He wanted to marry me.
And of course his ID said he was 25.

Mel: So... ?
Did you? :)

me: No.

11:52 PM Mel: Why not?

me: At the time I thought I wasn't allowed to marry a Muslim. Years later I was dating another Muslim and I asked the Church and they said I was allowed.
11:53 PM But this guy took an arranged marriage instead.

Mel: Is it really allowed? I didn't know that.

me: I was surprised, but apparently it is.
11:54 PM I don't think it would be allowed in the Orthodox Church. The Pauline tradition must be stronger over there than here. We're more into Peter, I think.
11:55 PM I went to an Orthodox Church for Easter a few weeks ago with [a guy who likes me]
That's what single people do a lot of times -- hang out with other single people [who like them.]
But often it [doesn't lead to mutual affection.] People get old and keep trying.

11:56 PM Mel: Is he nice?

me: yes
I'm not in love with him.

Mel: I see.
11:57 PM Maybe it'll come in a while.
Perhaps he is shy and you haven't yet seen all his best qualities.

11:58 PM me: He's not shy, but you're right in that I probably haven't seen all his best qualities.
Last night I dreamed about a Russian [probably a 3rd or 4th generation Russo-American, Nicola] I liked four years ago.
In the dream I felt the feelings again. They are feelings that are harder to remember when I am awake.
Did you get married?

11:59 PM Mel: Not yet.
Too soon for marriage.

12:00 AM me: Interesting.
Your feeling that it's too soon is what we're trying to understand, anthropologically.

12:01 AM Mel: No, in my case this exactly what you were talking about earlier: a house and money.

12:02 AM me: Oh, I see. Got it. Wow. We should re-shape the economy to accommodate young people. Seriously. I keep daydreaming about writing to Oprah and asking her to buy Haiti so she can show all the Communists and the Capitalists how to fuse the two ideologies to make things really work for everybody.

12:03 AM Mel: :)
12:04 AM It's just how it is and I think it will always be.
What we can do is work hard to make good fortune for our children.

12:06 AM me: I'm more hopeful. After thousands of years, slavery is now illegal everywhere. That's a good start but there's more to be done. A while back there were people up the road [shorthand for a few exits up the highway -- something I saw in Time Magazine once pertaining to New York and some unfortunate immigrants] keeping slaves. I don't know if they've been busted... Progress comes slowly.
I was thinking if the world community can eradicate slavery maybe we can do away with poverty.
12:07 AM I mean, as a next step.
When I was a child there was a hero around here who did an amazing thing.
He turned the tide against racism.
12:08 AM Somebody shot him dead -- Martin Luther King Jr, you know him?

Mel: Certainly!!

me: People thought he couldn't do what he did, that things would always be the same.

Mel: He did a great thing.

me: Now when people ride the train and they see black children and white playing together they are amazed.
12:10 AM I feel like I'm keeping you from work and me from sleep but I just love this conversation. I don't know what to do. ...
I don't always know what to think, but I've been surprised so many times I just think that anything is possible.

Mel: It's OK. There is plenty of time for me to work. I've got the weekend. But perhaps you need to get some sleep after the hard day.
12:11 AM It is. But for everyone to be well-of will take some time. Too many lazy people around. And hard-working ones won't want to pay for the lazy.

12:12 AM me: I have a theory about that but it's hard to explain.
12:13 AM Maybe I should think it over before I try. I'm disappointed in myself because I feel like I should be able to explain things quickly and easily because I'm a writer.
In Seattle I had a roommate...

12:14 AM Mel: OK.

me: If I took his trash out as well as mine he wasn't pleased. To him, his garbage was his, and mine was min...
mine...
12:15 AM But if I went out in the cold to the recycling bins and all I did was take out my own garbage, I felt like I had accomplished nothing.
Because I made the trash and I took it out. And I went through all that bother just to zero out my own impact.
But if I took out Jake's garbage too, at least I had accomplished something.
12:16 AM It made me feel better about having done some work.
I think that deep down a lot of people feel that way --
That they're wasting their time if they only take care of their own mess or their own needs.

12:17 AM Mel: Well, he was your roommate, but if a strange would ask you to take out their garbage, you wouldn't be pleased. And if 100 stranges would ask...
1000 strangers...
It's a little different.

me: Maybe, but if I'm going out in the cold anyway I might as well carry all I can carry.

12:18 AM Mel: I wouldn't want to work and feed 10,000 lazy, healthy and young people, just because they don't want to work.
That's true.

me: I'd feel very accomplished if I were Hercules and I could carry out 100 people's junk.
Do you think there are kids with no dreams for a career?

Mel: :)

me: I think all the kids want to do something.

Mel: Of course, plenty of them.
12:19 AM I've met many who don't care.

12:20 AM me: A long time ago I was afraid to have a career because I thought it would limit my horizons, but I hadn't thought it through -- what horizons? Beyond the horizon is what people dream of accomplishing. If somebody doesn't want that at all maybe he's depressed. Frankly, I was and am depressed, but even I have goals. And I always had dreams. I realize there are people too beaten down to keep caring, though.
12:22 AM I knew some punk rockers who didn't want to do anything but drugs and music. They went to work so they could buy drugs and pay for their hiding place. I wish I could figure them out. But I'm not curious enough to try the drugs. Those guys were mean. I don't want to take anything that would make me mean.
12:24 AM One thing I'll say for communists who want to support drug addicts in relative comfort -- Druggies aren't quite as scary when they have a house and food. If they're needy they're very scary.

Mel: Yes, those guys are incredible. But some of them got popular and earned tons of money.

12:25 AM me: The guys I knew used to be stars. They were rich by their own measure. They hired a chauffer to drive them around before they were old enough to drive.
They were local stars.
Successful musicians but not nationally known.
12:26 AM Well, it is quite late and you've given me plenty to think about. Plus, I'm out of intelligent replies. So I'll go to bed soon. [Text pertaining to web project omitted]

12:27 AM Mel: It's not properly launched yet.

me: Hey, Mel, would you mind if I put this conversation on my blog? I won't do it if you don't want me to.

Mel: We'll launch it soon. THere is still some little tiny details to finish.

me: OK

12:28 AM Mel: I don't mind, of course.

me: Thanks.

Mel: But I'd prefer if you don't mention my name there.

12:29 AM me: Oh, right. OK, I'll change that. My ex-fiancee, my roommate, everybody has an alias. Would you like to be "John" for the purpose of my blog?

Mel: Hmmm.. let me think.
Let it be Mel.
:)
12:30 AM Sounds fun.

me: OK, Mel.

Mel: :D

me: Goodnight, then, Mel. Have a great weekend.
:)


Mel: Goodnight!
Thank you. You too!

train wreck

4th hour PM and my day is already looking like a train wreck. Fixing Mom's computer was first on the list ... and there's been so much stress... and it's not quite fixed yet... and my bank card got scammed and canceled just in time to avoid fraudulent charges, so now I can't shop with it. And I didn't get a shower this morning. I'm filthy. I can smell myself. I'm on the rag. The stress mounted up and the day is ending with a predictable trajectory... and I'd had so much I wanted to write.

Why Won't My Child Eat Vegetables?

First off, I never had a child. I used that title for the sake of the millions whose children won't eat vegetables...

My theory is that it's the preparation and/or processing of the vegetables that is to blame. Fresh picked, steamed vegetables are a treat; but put it in a can with preservatives, or cook it with grease or margarine or too much salt, and it really sucks. I submit that kids can sense this and that is why they reject the food.

Here is my personal experience: It seems that, circa 1970, canned foods were worse than they are today -- either that or I was much more attuned to how bad they were back in the day. For a long time I was convinced that I didn't like peas in particular. But then something changed.

When I was six my parents took me to a pea farm where we could pick our own peas. Then we went back to our hotel room and simply steamed them -- amazing! Peas instantly became my favorite food.

My parents knew that we couldn't hang out on the DelMarVa Penninsula and pick peas all the time, so how were they to get the fresh peas back home in Baltimore? They decided that frozen was close enough to fresh if it was gently steamed, and it pretty much worked out (although it wasn't quite the same.) Our sensitive young palates had identified the subtle flavor of the fresh peas, and could pick it out in gently prepared frozen peas to some extent. It was enough. We never got another can of peas, and I never again rejected peas.

I saw Super Nanny do something like this for a troupe of finicky youngsters on TV, and it worked for them too!

So to sum up, if you make the vegetables as healthy and delicious as can be, children might just come to love the vegetables. I think that what I disliked 40 years ago was salt, not peas.

what I wrote to a friend who scoffed at my cooking

Hi D,

Consider this. My diet = my cooking, so I use the terms interchangeably. I know my cooking is A-rated because my bloodwork was perfect, too, just like yours. The culinary community wants people to think that there's only one right way to do things and that their cooking is "best" for everybody just because it's the most popular in restaurants. But in fact, if one's diet is right for him, it doesn't matter how popular it would be in a restaurant. It's the best cooking he can do.

Consider what I'm trying to do with things like dry-roasted veggies, plain steamed legumes, coarse chopped raw root, al-dente spaghetti, fibrous, un-sweet bakes, mild-tasting ice cream without too much chocolate and stuff, oatmeal that's just cooked for 30 seconds and not at all soft -- I'm trying to get the nutrition my body needs and avoid the stuff it doesn't need. For example, al dente spaghetti the way I fix it doesn't need to be strained because the water boils off. This helps the sphaghetti retain valuable water-soluble nutrients such as some vitamins and all minerals. To reiterate: straining the spaghetti is bad (for me.)

If a dish is good for me, I quickly learn to love the taste. Function over form. I toss berries, fish, chunky cheese and big chunks of raw garlic in a salad, and I seldom do any dressing. When I do dressing it's very little -- a spoonful versus those big tubs they serve in restaurants. I learn to love the taste because I get a good blend of aminos without the annoying overdose of fat...

That's right. There's nothing wrong with a little fat, but I have my preferred foods for fat (cheese, nuts...) and I can pretty much tell when I've had too much. My face is broken out and I haven't been hungry at all once since early Wednesday morning. I'm pretty sure I've had too much of the good thing that is dietary fat. So I can't eat "their" way for days on end.

Some dishes I make have mass appeal (turkey burgers, baked salmon w/ asparagus...) but that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to cook the best I can, which means making the best diet for me, not "them." And I think I have had it together for eons in that department. Just ask my nurse practitioner.

--D.

Letter to Mikulski

I just got an email from some fringe hack that said, "The great currency collapse has begun." Oh, he wishes. Can't these guys be tried for treason??

(To make my own stand clear, I understand Keynsian economics, so I naturally approve of stimulus and don't mind a little healthy inflation, especially when it's about to help us pay off all debts public and private. What I hate is people getting alarmist about sound economic measures and trying to undermine faith in the currency.)

Brain Dump

Oh, man. Another cold day in April. April and May can be a real drag this way. You want it to be warm. You're expecting it to be warm any time. But the warm days could end up being few and far between. A girl in my grammar school class pointed that out back in the day. Another thing that sucks about spring is afternoons that are briefly warm or almost warm, followed by cold evenings, nights and mornings, so that you get four hours of nice weather and 20 hours of chill.

I made a huge to-do list and ... suffice it to say I have a lot to do today. I do mind the Sabbath, but healing is lawful on the sabbath, and healing is what I'm doing. My mother is healed when I clean the house and such. She's rather frantic when I don't.

A craving for potatoes has set in. Am I experiencing a mineral shortfall of some kind?

If you're reading this you're probably wondering where the good stuff is. There are some nuggets in every blog, and mine is no exception. Today I'm going through and adding the keyword "nugget" to everything I think might interest strangers in "I Can't Complain." Well, OK, maybe not today. Today is busy enough as is...

I want to bake some fish and potatoes, clean the stove top, finish mopping, vacuum, empty the dishwasher (an under-used dishwasher-- we do a lot of dishes by hand around here;)put on some laundry, get medicine from Target, round up some supplies, put out the compost and take down my phone messages.

Fruit, nuts and cereal for brunch was probably not the best idea. I wish I had had more protein.

Last night I stayed awake until 4:00, stuck in that strange dynamic where I'm trying to wind down while also trying to steel myself up for various nighttime chores, while somehow the list of chores keeps getting longer.

Now I crave potatoes and cottage cheese. I guess this really is a mineral thing.

I have a friend who wants me to come back to Pennsylvania to visit, another who wants me to come back to Seattle to visit, and one who wants me to accompany him to Greece for a couple of weeks next year or whenever it works out. The Greece thing will have to wait until I have the money to support myself abroad for two weeks. The person who invited me is not the type I would want to have in charge of all my needs for two weeks (although that is what he offered.) I know from hanging out with him that if I get thirsty or cold, he doesn't always want to help out. That's something I can deal with if I'm close enough to home turf or if I have a few bucks in my pocket. A weekend at the beach would be worth hazarding. But half a month abroad is out of the question until I can stand on my own two feet.

The Pennsylvania thing is always doable. I go home to Pennsylvania every other week, so why not stop by and hang out with a good buddy?

It is Anwar who wants me to go to Seattle. Right now I can't see leaving my family with all my problems while I take off for a holiday. But eventually it would be nice to go back, hang out, meet his wife and child.

Tazo Organic Iced Green (green tea)

This tastes terrible! I can't believe I used to enjoy this. 18 grams of carbohydrates per serving = 36 grams of carbohydrates per bottle. That's got to have a negative impact on taste. It's irritating to have my taste-buds overstimulated with sweet taste. I just had my first Tazo Organic Iced Green in about a year, and probably my last ever.

One Foot in Front of the Other

The day is waxing. I need to get a plan. What do I have to do? I have to get the laundry done, take the dogs to the vet, purchase my supplies and go to Annapolis. What do I do first? Well, after cleaning myself up it would make sense to start with the laundry. Start. Just start. Soon. Well, I also have to do some research on the stuff I want. I want that blackout hat with the SPF 50. Since I don't tolerate sunscreen very well, the hat is my last chance to be able to help my mother with her garden design business. I've been getting some bad exposure out there.

Brain Dump

This is just an exercise in getting my head together. What do I think or feel? What do I need to do in the near future? ...

I feel tired. Maybe it's my fault for not exercising enough in general. (Still, I do exercise some. I walk the dogs and all.) I'm sure I'm not anemic. Sure it's not Epstein-Barr. I'm still on the rag; that could have something to do with it.

Shopping... Online: I want to get a blackout hat (SPF 50, because I can't seem to tolerate sunscreen,) a cob construction handbook, and some Medifast shakes. Towards that end I should research Medifast -- are the vitamins therein cold processed for efficacy?

Yeah, I've decided to continue losing weight. At a top weight of 170 lbs a year and a half ago, I decided to lose about 35 lbs. I lost 25 and stabilized over the winter, gaining back only 1 or 2 lbs. Now I want to lose the other 10. It's Medifast time. Time to stop mucking around fixing food and consuming substantial meals so as to justify the time I spend preparing them. I want to forget about food more often but still get my proper nutrition. Medifast. Can't be beat.

Lots of people are popping up and getting on TV and saying, "I got skinny. You can too. Being older is no excuse." How empowering. I thank them. Now the people who said older people should be content to be fat can sit down and shut up because they've been squarely reproved. Thank you, Valerie et al.


About my friend who gave me the key to his house -- It's really nice that somebody likes me that much. I should make an effort to be especially nice to him.


Man, how can I down 20 ounces of coffee and 12 ounces of yerba mate / tea mix and still be so laid back and sleepy!

Tuesday I'm going to the census place to take the census. Why there and not at home? 'Cuz I don't think my sister is going to enter my information on the form that was mailed to our house. She's made it pretty clear that she wouldn't, without actually saying as much.

If I get up to speed tonight I want to do some of my freelance writing. Oh, good luck.

Pursuant to Previous Post

The friend I mentioned in the previous post offered me an alternative perspective on people misreading one another which encouraged me to stick it out and keep the key. I'm not happy about people making up stuff about one another, mind you. And I believe he reassured me that I was never caught doing it. At least I've got that. I think the world would be a better place without the prejudice but a micrometer of tolerance is all I need to hang in there just now.

In that substantial conversation (which I hope I will get a chance to write more about) he mentioned that he was at a crossroads in his life and that he believed I was too. "How could you not be?" (How could anybody not be, at any time?) I suppose people are up for trying something a little differently every now and then. So I'm going to try to get in on this advertising deal he has. If I could submit bids for the kind of work I want to do, my livelihood could really come up to snuff. I need that extreme home makeover before the roof caves in, after all.

Now, what could he have been talking about? When you're at a crossroads you want to abandon your old direction. Is he criticizing my whole trajectory here? No trajectory changes will take place unless it's for the sake of my relationship with God. Why would I invest the aeons in my current pattern if only to abandon them at length for who knows what worldly reason. All I want is some dough to fix the house with and some reassurance that I'm saved. And here is Easter. I should pray for the reassurance and maybe also pray for the money. But I can try new tricks in pursuit of money. I've got to get in on that advertising deal...

Prejudice

Did you ever have the experience of someone thinking something bad about you without any hard evidence? That's one of the many ugly heads of prejudice, and it's hard to fight, because people who make lame assumptions have no idea they're doing it. How can they possibly stop when they don't even know they're doing it? If someone be capable of inventing the truth, good luck trying to get through to him.

A friend of mine revealed a prejudice lately. To wit, he thinks I must necessarily suck at office work because I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder. Why he chose office work and not actuarial statistics, teaching, or janitorial work I'll never know. In fact, I've held my own in the office for many years despite the difficulties posed by my disorder. (This probably wasn't the best thing I could have done for my health, but for what it's worth I did it.) I proved myself to no avail, however, because prejudice lives on.

It got me thinking in two different directions. On the one hand, it probably isn't healthy for me to spend too much time with people who show this particular prejudice. And that really sucks because I've already promised to accompany this person to Church for Easter and model for his art project. A few days ago he gave me the key to his house. What can I possibly say when I hand it back to him? I'm hopelessly enmeshed for the time being. I need to find a way to painlessly extract myself and grow away from the man, just for my own emotional well-being.

On the other hand, I was thinking about the nature of impediments versus limitations. Anyone familiar with the dynamics of iterative equations knows that they're not the same thing. You can take a detour or march through mud and still reach your destination. If you run full bore or manage some other parameter(s) you could even make good time! I was thinking about people who may have sacrificed their best destinies to dispel prejudice -- the speech-impaired people who became news anchors, for example. As I walked down the street sobbing, I imagined what I hoped such a person would say to someone who asked, "How could you do this to us? I read your ideas and you could have done our community a lot of good if you had followed them and brought them to fruition. Instead you chose the most challenging route available to you, becoming a one-legged running champion." I hope the person would say that he had sacrificed his ideas and aptitudes for the sake of every disabled person in the world (including the nice lady writing this story,) so that prejudice would be overcome.

Hooray for My Vitamin C

According to Valerie Saxion http://www.gospelhousenetwork.com/item/saxion-valerie/supplements-ester-c-with-rose-hips-180-capsules/14618.html ,"Ester-C is the only form of vitamin C that does not affect tooth enamel. Ordinary vitamin C, especially the popular "chewable form," is very bad for teeth and should be strongly discouraged." So who is Valerie Saxion? One gorgeous doctor. Check out her picture at www.gospelhousenetwork.com/imagelib/contentimages/000/000/002/166/Valerie_Saxion_banner.jpg And if that quilted-together source link works, chalk one up for me.

Tea Party Trouble

Yeah, the tea partiers behaved shockingly the other day, what with the n-word and all, but how shocked can we really be? We knew they were an ignorant bunch from the get go. They were brought together with bad rhetoric. What did the rabble rousers think they were getting with that kind of talk? They should have known it would be an ignorant crowd that would embarass them silly which certainly seems to be what they deserve.

March Marches On

Tonight I went to take out the snail mail and did something decidedly un-diet-diva-like; I got an ice cream sundae at the shop near the mailbox.

Circumstances can be larger than an individual's ability to work around them, so I shouldn't be embarassed to tell my client that taxes, debt management and spring cleaning will take me out of the loop until Wednesday; there are no deadlines anyway. Still, I'm looking forward to the day when I can run on the flat and level and get tons of his work done. No Renaissance parties, no spring cleaning, no forms to fill out, no people to please -- just freelance writing and my weekly teaching gig (which I started last week, by the way.)

Soon my father will be here to clean the deluvium and more out of the basement, while I scrub the ground-floor floors (no deluvium there, just a winter's worth of residual grime -- not too bad because of the periodic superficial cleanings we've been giving it.)

I wish I had a picture, but I don't even have a camera.

Because of unanticipated trouble with the mail I have a severe cash-flow crisis. If anyone is reading this who feels like sending me a few bucks, please email me and I will be gob-smacked amazed that you exist. And if you're out there, thanks for reading and enjoying my blog.

Brain Dump

Last night I went to a party with a renaissance theme, dressed for the occasion in a replica 14th century Italian getup. If I'd really been up for it, it would have been really nice, but I was on the rag, so I dragged. Then I spent the night at a friend's house. I hate it when I do that. I wake up cold, hungry, dirty and bedraggled in the middle of someone else's Sunday with a long ride ahead of me to fill up most of the rest of my Sunday.

The deal was, I decided to stay the night so that my friend would go to Church with me (he never goes.) We had a deal. But we overslept the earlier masses because I was too cold to want to move and he hadn't set his watch 1 hour ahead for spring yet. Fine, I said we could go to a later mass. But he had obligations and couldn't do that either. Fine, I said he could go to a mass some other weekend without me. But, no, my friend is too timid to go to Church by himself. He's never been married, but he won't go by himself. What a pickle I'd be in if I couldn't go to Church by myself.

So here I sit trying to pick up loose ends and salvage a Sunday evening. I don't know where to start. One way to make today worth it is to consider my lesson paid in full -- no more overnights. My hosts are great, but overnights still suck. People try to make me comfortable. They try real hard, but there's no way they can replicate the comforts of home, especially when I have my period.

I have to add I was wrong to remain cold, stiff and huddled in bed instead of forcing myself to get up and check the time. Otherwise I could have gone to Church with my friend.

My sister and I are at my mother's house right now. We don't seem to have too much to say to one another right now, for no particular reason.

So... When I come around and start getting back into my routine, what shall I do? Well, I wanted to clean the litter box and do some laundry, but the basement is flooded. So instead I will clean up the kitchen, medicate the cat, dust some furniture and take a real good shower. Where's that cat? When he gets drowsy and relaxed that's when I'll pounce (that is, give him his medicine.)

Brain Dump

Brrr! If anyone from the future is reading this, you have access to our 21st century weather record and you know that today wasn't particularly cold. But my room was poorly heated last night, and my workplace was also pretty cold (we wore coats;)and I've been pretty much shivering all day, even in the nice, warm car full of sunshine and soothing infrared.

There's a lot of work ahead of me today but it's hard to get right down to it because I'm cold. When I sat down to write a few minutes ago, the cold feeling was in my chest the way it was so often about ten years ago (at which time I must have been having some sort of endocrine disruption that was causing it, so pernicious was it.) But today it's environmental. It was such false economy not to heat the bedroom just because the night wasn't particularly cold. Below fifty is cold enough to warrant a space heater!

I'm ready for spring. I'm ready for warm-weather memories. Forgive me if I run some "old" (last spring/summer) pictures. I just like to do that, particularly because my camera phone broke and I have no new pictures.

I Love I Love I Love My Clalendar President

... Each and every day of the year!

January, you start the year off right...



http://www.calendars.com/Barack-Obama/cat00098/

It's Official. I'm an Art Teacher :)

Last week I observed two classes. Today I had a training session and took home the literature to study. Thursday I finish training in the morning and teach in the afternoon. Yipee!

Teaching, Art, Math, French, Whatever

Here's the scoop, then. I observed a couple of classes this week and I should start teaching art soon. Meanwhile, the enrollment advisor from Grand Canyon University called and asked what I wanted to major in, so I said Education -- either Art, Math or French. All 3 are subjects I could have taken much further than I did. But that's the beauty of it. If I go back to school I'll get another chance. (If you want to see how far I got with art, it's comme ci comme ca -- see my portfolio on this blog.)

http://2f2110c1-95c3-4ebc-86de-a278db18a7e9.inf.net/

http://2f2110c1-95c3-4ebc-86de-a278db18a7e9.inf.net/

In Pursuit of Math Scholarship

It's a long road, I know. And with everything else going on, I don't know that I'll ever get there. But I thought I'd share the following, not by way of saying, "Hey, everybody, I want to major in math education;" but rather because I come at it from an interesting angle. You see, many people assume that they want to learn from someone who never had any fear of a subject and has always performed in accordance with their ability. Personally? I'd much rather learn from the teacher who discovered his or her gift by taking arms against his fears, because that is the person who can help me to overcome my own fears. In pursuit of this scholarship, I wrote the following:

I hope somebody is funding mathematical studies for students who have worked around and overcome their own math phobias. These will make the very best math teachers. In order to find out my own gift for problem solving, I had to bite nails and procrastinate until my homework was late. I had to re-invent the wheel while taking tests. That is something of a gift, truly. But you don't have time for that while taking a test. If school systems want the very best math teachers -- people who will help students overcome their fears and find their creativity -- they will find and fund people like me.

Update

I just got offered a dream job. The offer was made, but the formal application is still pending, so it could possibly be rescinded. I wanted to tell you all about it, but I wouldn't want to brag first and then lose the bird in the bush. Besides, I'm pretty happy with what I'm doing now.

More Diet Bore Digest

I must be under a lot of stress, as evidenced by my appetite today. As far as stress is concerned, no one could blame me. I have a freelance writing project on the table with plenty of work left to do. And tomorrow I have a bit of a dream-job interview for an art teaching gig. Teaching art will improve my art. You know, I had to drop out of that Art Instruction Schools correspondence course because I couldn't make the payments anymore. This will be a way to get back on the horse, so to speak. Everything depends on me right now, so I'm a little keyed up. My appetite beat me up to the tune of 1150 calories in the middle of the afternoon. What stopped it? This is the beautiful part -- I've discovered that, after a substantial, nutritious, balanced meal, an apple is all it takes to make me feel better and stop eating. It's easy to forget that, but today I remembered. An apple stopped my mid-afternoon mini-binge!

Diet Bore Digest

1300 calories down, my appetite remains. But it is surmountable. I have stopped eating. I'm still at a low weight, almost as low as I'd like, and way lower than my top weight. So I'm cool. Writing about not-eating sometimes takes the place of eating, on an emotional level.

When Do You Binge Eat?

Lately I've been out of control in the evening. I found this poll interesting: http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/pollresults.php . Do people need a certain blood sugar level in the evening in order to be comfortable? You know, it's weird. I just remembered that "going to bed without supper" was supposed to be a classic naughty child punishment, like from Grims Brothers or something. Apparently many people have a tendency to want a lot of food in time to digest it before bedtime, yet have a sufficient blood sugar level throughout the nighttime fast. Incredible. But I don't want that to happen to me until I lose ten more pounds. I want to sleep with blood sugar on the low side so I'll burn a little fat overnight.

To Make Progress, Stop Making Unnecessary Problems

Stress has been my portion, especially for the last few days. But also too often in the past there has been unnecessary, unproductive stress that I couldn't do much about. I think Thoreau was right about the whole Walden attitude.

There are attitudes some people have that seem to be keeping humanity from moving forward, away from slavery and duress. For example I heard someone say that she worked hard and she wished the same for her children, not better. I heard someone pose the question rhetorically, "Why should [starving children abroad] be exempt from the law of starvation?" (Obviously, the answer is that, the sooner the most vulnerable people are freed from starvation, poverty, slavery and duress, the sooner the rest of us will be!) I heard someone say that his father had not shared his fortune with him, in hopes that he would learn how to make his own fortune. That family is poised to stagnate. The energy wherewith the son will now pull himself up by his bootstraps (or die trying) could have been used to help humanity move forward -- with the help of a substantial amount of money, I might add. There are too many real problems in this world for people to go around inventing problems and hurdles for one another.

No Intelligible Explanation

My Art Portfolio IV

Star Trek and Star Wars Jokes

Sometimes when you see a bandwagon it's too late to get on board. Some of us have been watching Star Trek forever, so we get the running inside jokes. Some people are glomming over to see what the fuss is about because our guys just had a hit movie or because Trek is continuing to morph into ever more of a cultural phenomenon. Well, the johnny-come-latelies of cinematic criticism and cultural anthropology have a lot of catching up to do.

I've been saying this for a while of course, but today something different happened -- I remembered something. I remembered some of the actual jokes put over on Star Trek Deep Space Nine. You know how it usually goes -- you remember how impressed you were by a joke, or how hard you laughed, but you just can't think of a joke when you need one. Well, today I was vacuuming the floor and a few of them just floated back to me. (I wonder how many I can still crank out six hours later.)

For one thing, tall, beautiful Jadzia Dax channelled the ladies from children's shows like Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood when she spoke to two little Ferengi in the manner said ladies reserve for little puppets on their shows. The directors really drove this home by making Dax appear even taller in relation to the Ferengi than she might normally.

Let's see, what else? Oh, the Ferengi have this habit of re-discovering human proverbs in telling ways. "The more things change, the more they stay the same," said Quark, in a beautiful context in the final episode. "It's not set in stone; and even if it was, so what?" says a dream vision of a deceased Ferengi Grand Negis. And then there's my favorite: As three Ferengi hurtle towards Earth's 20th century (itself an old Star Trek joke)one of them picks up a 20th century news clip featuring a black man who resembles the station's captain. When he points it out to the others one replies, "All humans look alike." Oh, it just cracks me up. Nb. I think it was in the 20th century that some wise-crackers liked to joke, "All blacks look alike." (That's for those of you who haven't visited the 20th century lately.)

Those were the ones I remembered. I wish I had more, because Star Trek is alive with this kind of humor that turns on itself and on us. Oh, wait. Another example is coming to me now.

Here it is: Vic Fontaine is a holoprogrammed character on DS9 that has a running club show in a 20th century setting, singing in the style of Frank Sinatra. It's very funny to see an alien(Odo)snapping his fingers to the music and being hip. Because it makes the audience reflect on what it means to be hip -- it means the opposite of being an alien. When we all sat around in a circle digging groovy music and nodding to the beat, we were saying that the music resounded with us -- that it was part of us or we were part of it or both. We grooved to identify with a group. It was the opposite of being an alien. So the alien hipster thing was very funny. The scene also recalled a joke from an old radio show I heard once:

ALIEN: Be-bop? What's that? Is that some kind of music?
TEEN GIRL: Music?!?! It's out of this world !!
ALIEN: Well, that's where I've been and I haven't heard any.

Oh, man, Star Trek is a riot. Star Wars episode II isn't too far behind in the joke department, by the way. I'm amazed that critics didn't have more to say about the jokes in it. My cousin and I, who complete one another's thoughts, totally keyed into that material. I found out that my cousin thought the same exact things when I told my impressions to my Aunt and she said that Charlie had said all of the same things already. This wouldn't impress me so much except that she only heard these things from the two of us and not from any journalists or critics. In fact, I never heard it from any journalists or critics either and it was right there under their noses.

To wit (since I've already opened that can of alien larvae,) Star Wars Episode II gives witty answers to some of 1977's Star Wars'(Episode VI, A New Hope's)urgent questions, like, why do all the vespin guards resemble one another and Boba Fett? (Probably a matter of uniform sized costumes and interchangeable actors, but the clone thing works, too.) I wish I could remember some other questions and answers right now, but I do remember this; Send in the clones. It sounds like "Send in the Clowns," that old song that fit that love scene between the heroes so perfectly. Ah, yes, they were dying and finally admitting their love. Send in the clowns. "No, wait," thought the audience, "Send in the clones!" And they did, right on cue.

Thank You for Being So Quick About it, Senator

In reference to my recent post, "Attention Senator Mikulski," yes there is Student Loan relief aftoot (see http://www.ibrinfo.org/) Moreover, I spoke to one of her aides on the phone and more relief may be on the way for people with antique notes like mine. And then -- wonder of wonders -- I called the bank and found out that participating in IBR does nothing to the issue date of my note. I keep the same note. I remain in the running for the Student Loan relief in the works for middle-aged paupers.

Thank you, Senator Mikulski. So many of us just couldn't have done it without you!

About Huckabee's Latest Groaner

From a letter I sent to a friend tonight:

Mike Huckabee is so annoying. I can't figure out if he's trying to dupe people or if he's just that stupid. His latest groaner is attacking the greenhouse emissions cap-and-trade proposal on the pretense that it punishes the companies that might otherwise be able to provide much-needed jobs. Frankly, I think said companies will need more manpower to figure out how to cut emissions and then implement their new green strategies. But the jury is out on that; only time will tell. The real issue is this:

Fifty years from now nobody will care if I spent the 2010's on welfare or if I had a job. But they will be pretty mad at me if I helped to sacrifice wild species to my need to make money, by opting to allow everyone and his subsidiary to pollute as much as he pleased. Moreover, if our president has succeeded, a healthy, labor-based inflation will have overtaken the national debt and made peanuts out of the payments, relative to the robust salaries afoot in tomorrow's dollars. These tea-party rubes have no concept of Keynsian economics but they arrogantly use the same style of rhetoric used by those who have done their homework. That pisses me off ('cuz even I can tell the difference, even with a mere 9 credits of economics under my belt and half an eye on the news.) It would be different if they addressed all the facts and the arguments, but they don't; they invent their own and dupe the ignorant masses. I keep an eye on Huckabee because he's such bad news. That's the only reason I'm on his mail list. Unfortunately, some people are on the list because they really want to heckle the US government. That pisses me off too. If I ever need a jolt of venom all I have to do is open one of Huckabee's letters (I don't always.)

Attention Kindergarten Teachers

True, I believe I've covered this topic before. But it came out so nice this time and I figured it bore repeating. Now, I don't know how kindergarten teachers would address or circumlocute the idea of menses, but they're smart; they'll find the right note to hit. Here, then, is a letter I wrote to a friend about chivalry:


Hi [buddy,]

Just a heads-up. I think I'm scheduled to be on the rag on the weekend of the shindig. I'll tend to be bloated, thirsty and uncomfortable. I'll be running to the bathroom a lot. And if I'm bleeding too heavily or if I don't feel good, I can't spend the night, even though the accommodations you're making sound great. Just so you know. I'll do my best. (Try to make it easy for me to make my own decision, because I'm not a fighter.)


It's funny. When my kindergarten teacher taught chivalry I thought it was a stupid idea. But more recently I've come to understand -- women are hard put by our own biology, for everyone's sake, whether we actually reproduce or not, just so that the potential for reproduction can exist in our species. Chivalry is a way of giving the ladies a break for all that. But try telling that to a five-year-old. I don't know what that teacher was thinking.

But I know what Carol Brady was thinking with that high-maintenance hairdo wherewith she started her show. She was saying she belonged on a pedestal so high that even her fancy hair would stay put. It was the equivalent of painted nails and white gloves. It said, "Don't ask me to fix the roof or move heavy furniture. I'm a lady."

Personally I'm not doing the high-maintenance hairdo or avoiding all the grunt work, but I really respect the chicks who do. I may never be entirely comfortable with the door-holding thing either, but I can appreciate where it's coming from. Just interesting, isn't it? Maybe I'll send this letter to some kindergarten teachers.

See you in a month.

Kitty

My Art Portfolio III

My Art Portfolio II

My Art Portfolio I