sorrow

I think I have lost Anwar. He doesn't write anymore. I feel like hugging and kissing him and crying like a baby, just sobbing into my pillow. Cue "Smoky Mountain Rain."

When he comes back from his trip I'll get the scoop. He's too classy to break up by email; a guy like him will do it face to face.

I feel like such a loser, but how can anybody really lose? I had a man with whom I had no future. I can't say I lost the possibility of a future with him -- I either had a future or I didn't, and apparently I didn't, so I didn't really lose anything. Nobody can ever really lose anything. Determinism, you know. And don't tell me God plays supernatural dice; somebody has already discovered the possibility of hypernatural chaos. As far as I'm concerned, determinism rules; ergo, I am not a loser!

But I *feel* like I lost a wonderful man.

Quick Updates

Russ left his blog open so I was able to catch up with it somewhat. He last solved the cube in 5 minutes and 45 seconds, by the way. And this is his own solution, not something he got from a book.

There's still no word from Anwar. But I trust him. Maybe he went on a pilgrimage and a cleric said to him, "By the way, no contact is permitted with the opposite sex until we get home." Or something like that. Something that will make me say, "Oh, of course!" when he gets home.

Weight loss is proceeding apace and my unemployment check finally arrived. My inbox contains instructions for beginning my new long-term temporary job assignment on Monday. I will need to join their van pool. My tea is ready. That's all for now.

Bathroom Flood

The toilet overflowed. Cleaning it up was gross. I hate that. I need a modern toilet -- one with mechanical flushing help and the ability to grind waste and toilet paper into a flushable soup. My old fashioned toilet is also defective in that flushes involve more than the allowed two gallons of water, which is what enables it to overflow.

Using the wet vac was gross. Cleaning it out was gross. Cleaning the bathroom and myself afterward were a PITA.

While Walking through the Park

I wonder what I thought I had to say that was so urgent that I detoured to the library to write it in my blog.

Actually, I came here to check my email for a letter from Anwar. Still, I was keen to blog.


I passed an angry guitar-slinging hippie who was keen to sue the city for the harassment he suffered from cops. I wished him luck but had no coins to throw in the guitar case. Moving along, I reached a hot dog stand. I hemmed and hawed about whether to part with a dollar over coffee. The man said he'd gimme coffee for a dollar. Then I proffered a credit card so he said I could just owe him the dollar. I sat with some ladies on his outdoor furniture. Then night fell and he had to pack up. When he offered the remaining hot dog gratis I claimed it gratefully.


Theodore Roosevelt inspired the Teddy bear. What will Barack Obama inspire, besides post-election euphoria and renewed hope? I would like to render his portrait and send it to him along with my governance wish list -- stuff like student loan forgiveness. How cool would that be? I will want him to enjoy the portrait even if he can't help with the wish list, but I think that, yes, he can -- help with the wish list, that is. And even if it's a pipe dream he will probably read it with his own two peepers. And if the picture is worthy I'm sure he will keep it.

MIA Sweetheart

Anwar went to Egypt to see his family and mostly he hasn't been writing to me. He wrote to say we'll talk later. Is he still my guy? I got to exploring that idea within myself.

I really hope that he is not breaking up with me. I hope we get married and live happily ever after. But what if there's an end to us, and what if this is it?

If this is it? I'm glad I kept his interest long enough to get to know him and love him for who he is.

I'm not always that lucky.

A couple years ago I lost a guy so fast I'll never know who or what he was, how to characterize or justify my feelings, or why he quickly decided that, if there really was to be a lady in his future, it probably wasn't going to be me. And then when I tried to remenisce about him there really wasn't that much footage to enjoy. I made the best of it but you can see how frustrating it was to have a beginning and ending with no middle in between.

If I ever lose Anwar at least I'll have the memories and I'll know what I lost. I'll know where I've been, so if I keep looking back it won't be to ask myself questions that have no answer. If I keep looking back it will be because I love Anwar and I appreciate the time we had together.

Got A Steady Job

I won't say my temping days are over, just that I've been offered an indefinite assignment. Stuff could always happen. Economy could shift and heads could roll. But I think this is going to be a very steady gig. I'll be manning an Internet help desk. :)

Um... I've gotta make some serious clothes now! I start in a week. What I need is woven cotton, solid colored wrap skirts 3 yards in diameter and gathered at the top. Burgundy to go with my favorite blazer, maybe brown to go with my shoes, and a black one to go with everything else.

The Honeymoon Continues

Thursday I could tell that the neighborhood was still in Obama honeymoon mode. My job interviewer and I seemed to bond over it, among other things. (I also got the job.) I asked a stranger for change for my $5, and he gave me two bus tickets gratis. After one of two bus rides another stranger asked me for change for $1 and I gave him one of the two bus tickets. I told him I was in honeymoon mode with everybody else. When I realized that I'd lost the transfer I got for the first ticket, I think I must have said a prayer. The second driver said his coin machine was broken so everyone was riding free. It was a coincidence * but I got a cheer or two from the crowd when I barritoned in response, "Yes we can!"

God be praised always. And be He thanked for our new president.


* Correction: It was a coincidence with regard to Obama's election. I do not call it a coincidence with regard to the fact that I had just prayed to God for a free ride. In this "coincidence" I see what I believe is an answer from above.

Russ and I are Both Flat Broke and I Owe Him Toilet Paper

Heeeeeeeeellllllp!

OK, actually I have about $25 bucks but it's drowning beneath payments due, and so is Russ' $60. People, we have to make sure checks clear here. Any brilliant ideas?

And no, not those sleazy movie ideas!

Diet Beat

2000 calories doesn't leave much wiggle room. And even that is more than I had meant to eat. I'm shooting for 1600 these days. In September I sprained my foot and stopped being active for awhile. At around the same time, I ate a vile pizza that wouldn't go away. So I was sick for some time. The doctor gave me some Citrucel and that did what the castor oil hadn't done, so the pizza finally went away. Meanwhile, the foot had healed very quickly. God be praised. I was well but I had gained back four pounds. Now I'm back to counting calories and watching carbs.

Russ doesn't like to hear me count calories but it's so essential. The minute you stop counting and focus on something else you start eating like a pig. I mean, I do.

This isn't Racism; It's Xenophobia

Today I heard from a friend who's a Republican -- so Republican, in fact, that he voted that way in yesterday's election. He's Republican in a cultural way, socially conservative. Economically he's neither Republican nor remotely informed. So I think he speaks for a lot of similarly minded people when he reacts to the election of Barack Obama by blithering about the impending loss of our national identity, culture and laws to a dangerous international community, and then goes on to say that Obama doesn't represent him culturally. Truly, he went off the rails. But I think this is the attitude people mistook for racism during the campaign. And now that I've heard it out, I see that it is not racism at all. It's xenophobia.

Obama and McCain can ameliorate this by sharing some great bear hugs when they get back to work this winter. The photo op will not be lost. After my friend finished blithering and left the bus stop in a huff, I said to a lady nearby, "I think McCain and Obama really like each other." She said, "Yeah, I don't know what that guy was talking about."

Bonzo off his Back

With Bonzo off his Back, John McCain has an important role to play in Washington -- that of sincerely working to unite government behind President Obama. I think he's gonna do it. I think his party drove him crazy through this whole campaign and he's ready to go back to political moderation. But more than that, I think he's ready to cross the aisle and cooperate with legislation that he never would have favored before, so as not to frustrate America's new direction. It's as though moderates are going to shrug and say, "If we're going to do this thing, let's do it and not mire it." McCain can spearhead this new attitude, and people will be looking to him for that kind of guidance.

I haven't seen any news since around midnight, but I wouldn't be surprised if there were cartoons in the newspapers depicting a large chimpanzee being pried off McCain's back by Sarah Palin.