sorrow

I think I have lost Anwar. He doesn't write anymore. I feel like hugging and kissing him and crying like a baby, just sobbing into my pillow. Cue "Smoky Mountain Rain."

When he comes back from his trip I'll get the scoop. He's too classy to break up by email; a guy like him will do it face to face.

I feel like such a loser, but how can anybody really lose? I had a man with whom I had no future. I can't say I lost the possibility of a future with him -- I either had a future or I didn't, and apparently I didn't, so I didn't really lose anything. Nobody can ever really lose anything. Determinism, you know. And don't tell me God plays supernatural dice; somebody has already discovered the possibility of hypernatural chaos. As far as I'm concerned, determinism rules; ergo, I am not a loser!

But I *feel* like I lost a wonderful man.