Worried Myself Sick

My tongue turned white and my blood turned into acetone as I worried. There seemed to be no relief. I prayed. Perhaps it was by Divine intervention, then, that I finally achieved calm – a calm I haven't experienced since... since … since Reagan took office??? It seems like it. There have been times when I could relax, but only the way one might on a coffee break. Could that be right? Memories are tricky, but I think that's mostly right. So I wanted to write about this strange Nirvana lest I lose sight of it. It seems to be from God, a gift, a response to prayer. Strangely, those old sayings about how God doesn't promise a life free of calamity, but does offer to be present throughout any calamity, now ring true and are a comfort, whereas heretofore that kind of talk left me still shaking in my shoes. Life and happiness (to the extent I could consider myself happy) always seemed so precarious. It was like living on a decaying asteroid or something. By contrast, this calm was like living on Terra firma, in a house built on rock.

Another thing that characterizes this new calm is kinship with animals, wanting to take care of them and being happy when they are happy. I convinced someone to send money to the sea turtle eggs of the Gulf of Mexico, so that they could be rescued and swim away free and happy into the Atlantic while BP finished cleaning up their native Gulf. The thought of the happy, safe baby turtles was like insurance against any bad thing that might happen to me. I hope I don't fall into calamity; but if I do, the turtles are still safe and happy. Treasure in Heaven is safe. Treasure in the Gulf of Mexico may be a little precarious, but it's somehow a good metaphor and more than a metaphor, or at least that's how I feel.

All around me are people getting sick and being challenged to come up with impossible sums of money to protect what they have. It's a harrowing life if I let it get to me. When someone gets sick it's like a train wreck that I can't look away from. And people are just getting terribly sick. I think sometimes that if I were in their shoes I would totally freak out. But I don't know anymore. I pray that everyone gets well and that everyone be protected and kept safe, myself especially. I mean, I could cease to dwell on the thought of a sick neighbor or friend, but I can't even take a coffee break from myself. May God forgive me.

I thank God for the peace that passes all understanding, supposing that's really what I have.