Brain Dump

I ran out of money and Jobs in Seattle. My sister is living in my house in Pennsylvania. So I'm staying with my Mother indefinately. The dynamic is a challenge. Starting when I was twenty and increasingly thereafter, my mother has insisted that I be productive when I'm around her. It was a shock I've only recently gotten used to. While she was watching TV tonight I went nuts trying to go be productive somewhere so that, when she and the television surrendered the livingroom, I would be allowed to use her computer without ultimately being challenged over how little work I had gotten done. She faked me out a lot. For the last two hours she said she was leaving the livingroom, and eventually she did technically get a few feet distant. She would come back to the computer and then later on ask me to look at some paperwork and I felt like my attention was being smeared around like lip gloss on a billboard. I didn't know what to do. It was all start and stop and hurry up and wait. And now I feel like she's hovering, waiting to ask for more attention without notice. I told her I needed a strategy for nights like this. She said they only come at tax time, but I doubt it. It all feels too familiar.


Throughout my days, I think of things to write about and I'm lucky if any of them ultimately make it to my blog.


Friday and Saturday I'll be babysitting. My sister's three kids, aged 9 - 12, are almost too old to need this. It's only because she'll be away for many hours that she needs someone to be there for most of the time. I'll need money for this. I'm broke. Two of the young ladies are sick. I hope I don't catch a virus. I just got rid of one.


I'm still feeling the anxiety of a frustrating evening. It shows in my writing even when I'm not writing about the things that challenged me this evening. I want to relax and write creatively. I want to reach inside for something wonderful to say. It's not happening yet.


The gal in the picture is an elephant whose name I forgot. I saw her dancing at the zoo. Apparently she is self-taught (as a dancer,) having grown up at the zoo and not at a circus. Apparently she is self-motivated, repeating her routine when a new crowd assembles to watch her. Maybe the elephants draw straws over who will go out and entertain the crowd on any given day. Surely the elephant knows she is adored and wants to make us happy.


My computer screen was damaged in transit... and now my mother is talking ... and now I'm back. Yes, my computer is not functioning ... and now my mother is talking ... and so I have to borrow my mother's computer. Could I drum up $50 for a used monitor? Maybe, but here's the thing -- That kind of money is generally spent on "the top emergency," which may not be a computer monitor in the very near future. Same thing with the art guild I'd wanted to join once. $40 was never ventured on a membership, because membership was never the top emergency. These are the things that are one step beyond the things you merely can't afford. They're just a little further out of reach. Although I have to admit, the monitor is closer to emergency status (and therefore more accessible) than the guild membership. Because every night when the boob tube goes on I will be reminded of its importance.

Anwar, my Egyptian. I'd had something to say about him but I forgot it. I just remembered it. I seem to be at a loss when it comes to discerning peoples' boundaries, so I realize I can't get anywhere near Anwar's. He has a new lady, so he probably doesn't welcome any communication from me. I'm lucky I thought to send this before the door closed ... Oh, never mind what I sent. Who cares. Nobody reads the boring stuff I write. Mom just did another famous fillibuster. I can't be as productive around here as I'd like to be because I'm simply not allowed to concentrate.