Twilight and Nicola

I think those are called stratus clouds. The twilight is particularly lovely tonight. If I had some warm, honeyed green tea right now I could nurse the illusion of drinking in the western sky.

The family is in a better position now, which isn't to say they're out of the woods. They're hard pressed but not hopeless. God be thanked! Perhaps He will send more help. Maybe eventually I can help too. But in the meantime I can turn my attention back to myself somewhat. Introspection is a lot of what blogs are supposed to be. If not, why not just read the newspaper?

Speaking of the newspaper, I clicked right out of it tonight because there was a big to-do about bad news -- huge levels of personal debt prevalent among Americans. Maybe someday I will have the guts and fortitude to read it, but not now, in this beautiful twilight, while I have the apartment to myself all quiet and nice.

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I know a man whose charm I only understand with my heart. Intellectually, I can't quite figure it out. He's very smart, cute, funny and adventurous. But these things can be said of many people. Why did my heart cathect to this man and not the others?

Ah, Nicola. Two years ago I already knew that we weren't in a relationship per se. Yes, we'd hit it off and all that, made eyes, spent an enchanting three days together, but no romance resulted. Two years ago I thought the deal was that Nicola found the idea of having a relationship with me to be impractical. In that regard I was right. But I also thought that in spite of the impracticalities he still liked me and that there was hope for the distant future. And then he told me I was wrong about that. "I had a crush on you in school, and I certainly had a crush on you on your [recent January] birthday, but I don't anymore."

Before I heard this I was a glowing, strong and healthy girl. My senses were heightened. Food tasted better. The countryscape near my house was fragrant, musical and visually delicious. I lost a little weight. Life was nice. I looked forward to getting to know this person, this muse, even though I knew I couldn't really have him. In March I visited him in his native Washington, D.C. and was treated to kissing privileges and the opportunity to give him a seated massage in a crowded coffeehouse. Before I kissed him I asked if kissing might be off the table because we had [already] decided not to become involved with one another. He smiled (a beautiful smile) and said, "You're looking for rules where there are none." (Don't you love him too?)

I don't know when he stopped having a crush on me, or why. I'm just glad he told me that part in September instead of May. Had he pulled the plug in the spring, my enchanted summer would have instead been a time of grief and sorrow. September is more like a really good time to begin the grieving process. To a very large extent, over the following months, I got over Nicola. Not completely -- I don't think that's going to happen. But I ceased to be utterly besotted by him. That's when it seems like my metabolism "turned like a leaf," as I like to put it. It sucks to get over someone.

But Nicola is a man of mystery, so he maintained a presence in my mind in the form of questions. I didn't find answers to the questions, but there emerged a picture of Nicola himself that I really admire and like. He's still in my heart, balmy and gentle. We write to one another, too. And for my birthday this year he called me on the phone.

Nicola opines that it's not healthy for me to think about him. But my roommate Russ, who knows me pretty well, thinks that it's good for me to think about Nicola. I tend to agree. Still, as a Christian I wonder, might God want me to put the picture of forbidden fruit out of my mind? In today's sermon, the priest pointed out that sometimes things are forbidden to us because they are bad for us. So maybe, for the same reason that being with Nicola might have been bad for me (or for him,) just thinking about him in the context of what didn't happen between us could also be bad or harmful? There might be something to that. So just in case, it might help for me to shift more of my focus away from the forbidden fruit aspect of my muse. There's so much else to enjoy, like the thought of the man himself with his charmed, intelligent eyes and genuine smile, or the memory of a magical time spent together. That much I did truly have, so I feel it is still mine to enjoy. I don't have to dwell on the part I can't have.

Please don't think that our "magical time" was about sex, because that's not the case. We didn't do it. I'm a virgin. When Nicola left my house after those three days he, too, was a virgin, and, for all I know, he still is. I don't believe in non-marital sex, and I could (and probably will) write a whole post about just that. This is not the occasion for that post, but I wanted to point out the situation lest you get the wrong idea. (Russ said, "You didn't #*@! him?? Is this guy still *talking* to you?" which I think is funny.)

Next time I blog about Nicola, I want to talk about the mysteries.