hopeless romantic

Sometimes a man likes me right away -- a strange man I never met before. How do men do it? They become attached to strangers. Why can't I? Sociobiologically it makes sense that a woman needs to be friendly-familiar with a man before she can be attracted to him.

Some of these guys -- all they want is to be loved. It seems so unfair that women are programmed to be on the lookout for "the one" when billions of men need someone. There are junctures where my ideals about romance clash with the reality of a man who wanders up like a stray cat and asks if he can be mine. I wouldn't turn the cat away. Why turn away the man? How can I keep this up?

I wasn't like this before. It never troubled me. As a kid I figured that if a man liked me then I would become his muse and that should be fine with him. Ultimately, though, this doesn't address his emotional male needs (to say nothing of his physical needs, which I can't do much about, as a Catholic single virgin.)

A man who cares for me is a miracle and a beautiful person. Then I come in with my preferences and my Prince Charming motif and blow it all away. I'm tired of this. And yet, we all know it has to be this way. It has to. I don't like it, but it just has to be this way. I can't come across for anyone and everyone. That is not natural for any woman. And I've always been particularly romantic, even as far as women go (which is pretty far in the romantic direction.) I'm all Sydney Carton without any assurance that I would actually brave the guillotine. But short of that assurance I'm totally Sydney Carton, hoping that I would be brave, hoping that I would never have the opportunity to be brave or otherwise. I'm all about carrying a torch for some muse of my own. (Never mind that right now I don't even have a muse.)

I met a precious fellow the other night. Tonight he came to dinner. He's all adoring and cuddly. If he were a cat we'd have moved him in (except that we're not allowed pets in our building.) Why don't I adore him right back? 'Cuz he's a stranger. What if I never like him that way? That's likely, and it's probably going to hurt us both. Moreover, the reasons for it will not make sense. I'm tired of this.

He looks to be all of maybe half my age, by the way. If I'd been really nosey I could have offered him wine and asked if it would be legal. Man, what a nice guy, though. He took an interest in my art and also drew me a picture of mountains and trees and sunshine.