Pursuant to my previous post, I did go and do some housework in the middle of the night. Maybe that's what jogged the thought loose. I know what my problem is now, with regard to Anwar.
When he left for his visit to Egypt, I was still trying to understand the man. I was trying to see and appreciate him for who he really was. When a few days passed without him around, I began to get some perspective that allowed me to appreciate him more deeply than I had before. In his absence I could see how happy I had been in his presence. More than this, I realized then how much I loved him, and I looked forward to being able to express this in person. I wanted to shower him with affection. I didn't know it but it was already too late.
When he broke up with me long-distance (email from Egypt) a few weeks later I missed another chance. It was at that time that I should have asked him to help me tie up emotional loose ends, answering questions like, "Why her and not me?" He gave me some answers but now I wish I had all the answers he would have been willing to give me if I had asked. Maybe I just wasn't ready to ask. I was too stunned with surprise. I was also focused on making the transition easy for him, because I thought it must have been hard for him.
My eyes are stinging and tearing right now as I think of the man who approached me last summer and said he enjoyed seeing me and would like to spend time with me. When he was gone I couldn't believe he was gone. I had come around for him emotionally in record time and it still wasn't fast enough for him to know fully how I felt. Maybe I could have kept him if I had warmed up to him faster.
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