I almost carved it up and changed it. It could possibly give a careless reader the wrong impression. When I talk about taking rest when I needed it in my distant past, I'm not being entirely accurate. I didn't always take the rest, because sometimes the work was too urgent, immediate, important and/or overwhelming. Also, I'm not talking about stuff that's completely derelict. I never hid in my cubicle and took a nap on the clock, (except in one situation a long time ago when I got all the work done and had nothing to do but monitor a phone that refused to ring, which I could do very well in a half-sleep doze. The phone, the work, the clients, my employer -- everyone was taken care of, so I did totally get away with that, God be thanked. And I would never do that again, because anyone who walked into my office could have misinterpreted the facts and deemed the phone to be unmonitored, when in truth I would wake like Lazarus if it rang.) In general, what I'm talking about are things like blowing off personal opportunites to get a leg up on some goal of mine, times when I took a nap in the library or my own room or apartment, and times when I couldn't stay awake in class no matter how hard I bit my tongue or slapped my cheek -- things like that.
Also, with regard to closing my blog -- this is a distinct possibility. I would like to work toward bringing it to a natural close. It may take a while -- months or even a couple of years -- but my goal now is to include everything that belongs in this blog so that I will be ready to close it if I decide to do so. Towards that end, I will be asking the Blogspot people if I can leave a ghost blog. I wouldn't want them to erase I Can't Complain just because it's no longer being written. I want people to discover it in the future -- maybe in the 23rd century or something. I don't have illusions of it being really popular ever, but if a few people in successive generations find something in it to enjoy, that's about all I can ask.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
So Depressed
Shame on Time Magazine. People who want bad news should have to go looking for it, not have it shoved in their face at the checkout line. Turns out, their "'Future of Work" feature was a lot of the same old same-old, made to sound evil on the cover precis so as to sell a pile of magazines. I think the Lord said, "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." To that I add, "Sufficient unto reality is the evil thereof." That reminds me, never watch a "Saw" movie. My neighbor tricked me into watching until I figured out what it was and left. That was years ago, and the unwelcome memory persists. Imagine how it must haunt the people who worked on it. No wonder the Amish don't watch TV -- you can't "unwatch" anything.
It sucks to be without a muse. There isn't any man I'm attracted to, nor any I wish I could be with -- not even Anwar. Without a muse, things are just what they are. They're not enchanted or symbolic or props in a larger story. The future doesn't open up into the promising unknown; it just plods along familiar paths or worse ones. I know that isn't true; it's just how I feel. A muse probably would not make me feel better at the moment 'cuz -- I don't know why. Maybe I'm ovulating or something. It's just biologically time for me to feel bad until I bleed, I think.
I don't even really want a muse. There has to be something better. There are dreams and goals, for example. They make for a pretty self-centered emotional flywheel, but if they're accessible they could be better than nothing at all. 'Trouble is, this is reality; everyone's broke; everyone's worried; people are mean; prospects look bleak. So dreams and such are not very accessible.
Fortunately, we live in a world with animals. If things have to be "just what they are" it's nice to know that some things are great just being what they are -- dogs, cats, elephants, butterflies. I'm certain they're all going to heaven, even the mosquitoes, who won't bite anybody when they get there because I guess the angels will feed them.
Reflecting on the stressful life I've led -- and I mean stress worse than I acknowledged it to be at the time, real bad stuff -- I wonder why I'm still in such apparently good health. Maybe it's because (in my twenties) I took rest when I needed it -- even at inappropriate times, like when I was supposed to be doing stuff -- and because I usually had a muse. You know, maybe a lot of the strange stuff about my past was survival fare. Stress offset by much-needed rest and a heart full of unconditional love. (I loved those guys for who they were, not because I thought I would win them. Because for the most part I didn't think I was going to win them. Some of them were nice, too.)
This might be my last post, because it breaks my heart that hardly anyone ever reads my blog. I'll post a few pics and see if I can just leave it at this.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Today's Story
I was too depressed to take a shower last night or to wash my face this morning.
Pursuant to previous post, Mom let me stay and she has been good lately. I wonder if she knows I'm still looking for a ticket out. I think I will be depressed after I move. With my own volition back, it'll be a while for it to uptake so that I'll know what to do.
Why should I be depressed? I live in the same universe where Mo Best's horse won and The Beatles were born. But I was just listening to The Beatles and I turned 'em off. I just wasn't digging it the same. That's one way I know I'm depressed.
I had a lot to say lately but now that I'm here writing in my blog I don't remember what it was.
Pursuant to previous post, Mom let me stay and she has been good lately. I wonder if she knows I'm still looking for a ticket out. I think I will be depressed after I move. With my own volition back, it'll be a while for it to uptake so that I'll know what to do.
Why should I be depressed? I live in the same universe where Mo Best's horse won and The Beatles were born. But I was just listening to The Beatles and I turned 'em off. I just wasn't digging it the same. That's one way I know I'm depressed.
I had a lot to say lately but now that I'm here writing in my blog I don't remember what it was.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Leo
Just now I wrote an email that referenced Leonardo DiCaprio's role in "The Aviator." I then imagined someone asking if I like the actor, and I thought my reaction was cute:
Whaddaya mean, do I like Leonardo DiCaprio? I'm female, aren't I? I don't like him enough to keep watching a boat sink, but I do like Leonardo DiCaprio!
Whaddaya mean, do I like Leonardo DiCaprio? I'm female, aren't I? I don't like him enough to keep watching a boat sink, but I do like Leonardo DiCaprio!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Voila
Nappy here still had some rough edges when he disappeared, but at least I got this photograph. Gotta stop writing because something weird is happeni
I had to abort another upload
Here I sit, waiting for my artwork to upload. I’m musing about how this artist up the street, Kromkowski, said that, if your art isn’t current, you’re not really an artist. I disagree. Not only did he neglect to support his position, but I have a good case against it. Here it is: Life is long and busy. The art stays in your mind and waits for the day when it has a chance to come out. Your nerves practice in your sleep; your eyes practice in your waking life. And when there’s a break in the battle it comes out – not because you’ve suddenly resumed being an artist, but because you always were one.
This is my tea break ticking away while the files slowly upload. I don’t dare abort them after the time I’ve invested. So I continue to write, so as to bank the time…
One thought that floats up from the bottom of my mind is, I always admired those computer hobbyists from the early ‘80’s. And Nicola was one of them. What an enviable life he must have had. He had (at least) two hobbies (computers and chess) that involve concentration and long stretches of personal time. I wish every kid could have that. I might wish I could have had that, too, except that (a) I actually enjoyed something of that experience at times; and (b) I don’t know what kind of alternate reality I’d land in if I beamed back to 1982, made things all nice for myself and beamed back.
Upload refused to fail or succeed. I had to abort it just to get the computer to budge.
This is my tea break ticking away while the files slowly upload. I don’t dare abort them after the time I’ve invested. So I continue to write, so as to bank the time…
One thought that floats up from the bottom of my mind is, I always admired those computer hobbyists from the early ‘80’s. And Nicola was one of them. What an enviable life he must have had. He had (at least) two hobbies (computers and chess) that involve concentration and long stretches of personal time. I wish every kid could have that. I might wish I could have had that, too, except that (a) I actually enjoyed something of that experience at times; and (b) I don’t know what kind of alternate reality I’d land in if I beamed back to 1982, made things all nice for myself and beamed back.
Upload refused to fail or succeed. I had to abort it just to get the computer to budge.
kitchen capers
Pursuant to my last post, I ultimately remembered what I wanted to talk about next: 20 years ago I had a much worse kitchen problem, which happened to be my own kitchen, my first kitchen. I had no understanding of shelf life or the flow of things and I had to find out the hard way at about the same time my OCD started kicking in for serious. A bad confluence of events and a big kitchen faux pas.
One weird thing about those times is, I had an aversion to washing my own dishes, but I did just fine washing Charlie and Francie's dishes (some neighbors.) There came a day not long after when Francie sought me out as a roommate. But since I didn't want to move to Chicago, that never happened.
One weird thing about those times is, I had an aversion to washing my own dishes, but I did just fine washing Charlie and Francie's dishes (some neighbors.) There came a day not long after when Francie sought me out as a roommate. But since I didn't want to move to Chicago, that never happened.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
diet bore digest
I just babysat for 18 hours, which entailed making 2 meals in my sister's awful kitchen. It's the kind of kitchen that promulgates its own mess, and it's all anyone can do to avoid being part of the problem if he touches it. Does everyone know what I mean? 'Cuz my mom didn't know what I meant and that bugs me. If stuff is sitting in the sink, it's hard to use the sink. If stuff is on the stove and there's no room for it in the sink it makes it harder to use the stove. If stuff is on the counters that factors in too. Analogous situations abound. It becomes a clogged matrix that tends to get worse with every iteration. The mold by the sink shreds my nerves and makes everything more prohibitive than it already is. I tried to leave it better than I found it, but after two meals I don't think I managed that. I left just a few more dirty dishes and a considerably cleaner receptacle for clean ones. I'd like to add that the galley-style kitchen is way too small to navigate with ease, and that it's often crowded with animals, because their feeding stations are in it.
Mostly, the kids don't cook. But ten-year-old Carly likes to help make french toast. I wanted to ask them all for more help but I felt like it would be a cop out.
As long as I'm on the subject of food at my sister's house, Sis assures me that her kids' diet is better than I had supposed the day I saw the frozen french fries there which I'm sure had the wrong kind of oil in them. I believe she is right. But I also think the kids' diet could be improved yet. After all, she has one pot. It must be a prohibitive challenge to make a balanced meal without more equipment than that.
------------------------------
I got yanked away from the computer at that point, forgetting what I ultimately wanted to say. For now, that's life.
By the way, I did double-check those french fries and they have no hydrogenated oil. So at least there's that.
You can't be too careful, though. My mother gave me pie with whipped cream, and the "cream" turned out to be fake and heavy with hydrogenated oil. She probably had no idea. I really have to keep on my toes here.
Mostly, the kids don't cook. But ten-year-old Carly likes to help make french toast. I wanted to ask them all for more help but I felt like it would be a cop out.
As long as I'm on the subject of food at my sister's house, Sis assures me that her kids' diet is better than I had supposed the day I saw the frozen french fries there which I'm sure had the wrong kind of oil in them. I believe she is right. But I also think the kids' diet could be improved yet. After all, she has one pot. It must be a prohibitive challenge to make a balanced meal without more equipment than that.
------------------------------
I got yanked away from the computer at that point, forgetting what I ultimately wanted to say. For now, that's life.
By the way, I did double-check those french fries and they have no hydrogenated oil. So at least there's that.
You can't be too careful, though. My mother gave me pie with whipped cream, and the "cream" turned out to be fake and heavy with hydrogenated oil. She probably had no idea. I really have to keep on my toes here.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Ebony and Ivory
Here are some selections from my recent correspondence that I thought belonged in the blog. The first is a reply to a friend who said I should "take the blinders off" and consider that Obama is a liability (to put it more mildly than he did.) As evidenced in my reply, he also said other things, to which I also replied.
(Pursuant to the email about Homeland Security versus the would-be revolutionaries.) I think DHS is on the lookout for the angry kind of people who get whipped into a mindless fury and throw things at the white house while shouting "revolution!" It's not you they're after, Dan -- it's the rebels without a clue. Polite dissent is always welcomed.
Consider that I was pretty polite to the Reagan administration in spite of the Reaganomics that destroyed the hopes of my generation ... I was beside myself today because Reagan planted the seeds of destruction and checked out before he could see the ultimate result. The main thing Obama is trying to do is erase supply-side economics before another generation goes to waste.
(It doesn't signify that there are people in my generation who made good. There are always people who fare well in a bad matrix. It doesn't mean that the matrix isn't bad.) [Later I would reflect that judging the whole gauntlet by the experience of individual matriculants is like saying someone doesn't have a plumbing blockage because some of the water still flows out the tap.]
[Friend,] re-read the emails you get from these people. You'll see that they're all about hate and anger, anger and hate. With a little ignorance thrown in to keep it going.
By contrast, look at John McCain. He doesn't agree with the president but he's not out in the streets crying revolution, or on the radio ranting hate. He's working within the system. Homeland Security respects him and other conservatives who behave themselves. [This was in reply to a forwarded email that tried to be all incendiary, saying that Homeland Security was against people who held certain political views. The writer neglected to differentiate between people who thought a certain way and behaved versus people who waxed extremist over their disgruntlement.]
Speaking of McCain, I really thought he'd take more of a leadership role both in government and in re-defining his party when Congress got back in session at the beginning of this year. I disagree with him about a lot of things, but I was kinda rooting for him post-election. I imagined he and Obama would share a great bear hug and then get down to the business of saving the world together. I imagined Clinton and McCain would share lunch from time to time and say, "Whew! Thank goodness it's Obama in that hot seat and not one of us."
And what do you have against socialism? We socialists aren't trying to destroy capitalism -- we're trying to tame capitalism so it can work for us and not against us. There are ways of doing this, and some of the best minds in economics and politics are working on them right now, not to "sell us out" but to make sure we all make it through this crisis and to better times beyond. (Success isn't guaranteed, but this path is our best hope.) Some people think tax cuts are the only way to accomplish anything, but after the last 30 years I don't know how they can fool themselves like that. It has been suggested that those who say and believe these things are not familiar with Keynsian economics, so those of us who would educate them have a hard row to hoe.
Think about it. If I wanted to plug the president's programs to an audience of conservatives, I'd bring a big, thick book about economics and start reading. The wing nuts would start throwing tea bags and screaming revolution and the respectable conservatives ... I don't know; would they listen? ... Were they listening when economics was taught in school?
It's a big question mark for me, [Friend]. I can't imagine why [a few] people sane enough to stay out of the tea-party crowd nonetheless [stubbornly] ignore the science of economics, as though they had a big stake in not knowing anything about socialism or capitalism. And this includes many respectable people in congress who clamor politely for tax cuts and a choke-hold of conservative spending. I wish I could see inside their heads. (And I can imagine some of my socialist friends saying, "No, you don't; you don't want to look in there." But I'm curious, [Friend.]
I'll go read your other emails now. ... I think many conservatives will be relieved to see how Obama champions the constitution, despite the fears you're having now.
The next one is a reply to a forward about some proposed legislation, forwarded to me by the same friend.
I just read the email about proposed hate-crimes legislation. If this could really put a gag on religious expression, then I do oppose it. I'm not gonna go all ballistic and treat the government like the enemy, but I do politely and vehemently oppose it. What I'm really hoping is that Congress will re-write it to be harmless, if it isn't already. I'm sure my president didn't intend to hurt his Church with it...
Again, the same fellow forwarded a discussion about the government no longer selling spent ammunition in useable form to private dealers. I remember writer ranted something to the effect of, "He's going after our ammunition!" I replied:
I was reading the FWD about munitions mutilation and thinking, "Why would Obama be so silly, alienating the gun lobby like that? He's supposed to be reaching out to different groups and uniting the country." Then I went to the author's blog and found this anonymous comment that solved the whole riddle:
I agree this is a stupid thing and will hurt us. Please be aware of the truth though! This policy was handed down on June 11 2008!!!! It might fit what many accept is Obama's plan, but it was hatched under Bush! The document is at www.dla.mil/j-6/dlmso/Archives/JSACG/meetings/11Jun08/ADC_220_Small%20ArmsDefinition_DRAFT_JSACG_11June2008.doc Thank goodness! Bush's blunder. My guy's in the clear.
It isn't really that big a blunder, except politically. People who need weapons to protect themselves will pay a premium price for ammo. People with terrorist designs will want it cheap and in bulk. Bush was probably just trying to protect us from the bad guys.
Culled from a late nite chat, this one has nothing to do with politics:
10:50 PM For about two days I could relate to something you said that I never agreed with in the past.
I'm not convinced of it. I can't prove it.
10:51 PM But I felt that there would be something a little anti-climactic about me building my house now
I'm still going to try to build it
I might as well try to do something
And after my period I probably won't feel that way
10:52 PM I'll say, What's 42 when I have the rest of my geological life-span, just like Enoch?
And here is a passage I think I sent to the same person to whom I sent the first two:
I'm thinking now about how in some other countries, capitalists and socialists sit down at the piano together and make beautiful music. I want to see that kind of unity here, because the world needs both modalities the way an automobile needs both an engine and a transmission -- only more so, because economies are iterative and chaotic, whereas automobiles at worst will get you stranded on a hill or something
(Pursuant to the email about Homeland Security versus the would-be revolutionaries.) I think DHS is on the lookout for the angry kind of people who get whipped into a mindless fury and throw things at the white house while shouting "revolution!" It's not you they're after, Dan -- it's the rebels without a clue. Polite dissent is always welcomed.
Consider that I was pretty polite to the Reagan administration in spite of the Reaganomics that destroyed the hopes of my generation ... I was beside myself today because Reagan planted the seeds of destruction and checked out before he could see the ultimate result. The main thing Obama is trying to do is erase supply-side economics before another generation goes to waste.
(It doesn't signify that there are people in my generation who made good. There are always people who fare well in a bad matrix. It doesn't mean that the matrix isn't bad.) [Later I would reflect that judging the whole gauntlet by the experience of individual matriculants is like saying someone doesn't have a plumbing blockage because some of the water still flows out the tap.]
[Friend,] re-read the emails you get from these people. You'll see that they're all about hate and anger, anger and hate. With a little ignorance thrown in to keep it going.
By contrast, look at John McCain. He doesn't agree with the president but he's not out in the streets crying revolution, or on the radio ranting hate. He's working within the system. Homeland Security respects him and other conservatives who behave themselves. [This was in reply to a forwarded email that tried to be all incendiary, saying that Homeland Security was against people who held certain political views. The writer neglected to differentiate between people who thought a certain way and behaved versus people who waxed extremist over their disgruntlement.]
Speaking of McCain, I really thought he'd take more of a leadership role both in government and in re-defining his party when Congress got back in session at the beginning of this year. I disagree with him about a lot of things, but I was kinda rooting for him post-election. I imagined he and Obama would share a great bear hug and then get down to the business of saving the world together. I imagined Clinton and McCain would share lunch from time to time and say, "Whew! Thank goodness it's Obama in that hot seat and not one of us."
And what do you have against socialism? We socialists aren't trying to destroy capitalism -- we're trying to tame capitalism so it can work for us and not against us. There are ways of doing this, and some of the best minds in economics and politics are working on them right now, not to "sell us out" but to make sure we all make it through this crisis and to better times beyond. (Success isn't guaranteed, but this path is our best hope.) Some people think tax cuts are the only way to accomplish anything, but after the last 30 years I don't know how they can fool themselves like that. It has been suggested that those who say and believe these things are not familiar with Keynsian economics, so those of us who would educate them have a hard row to hoe.
Think about it. If I wanted to plug the president's programs to an audience of conservatives, I'd bring a big, thick book about economics and start reading. The wing nuts would start throwing tea bags and screaming revolution and the respectable conservatives ... I don't know; would they listen? ... Were they listening when economics was taught in school?
It's a big question mark for me, [Friend]. I can't imagine why [a few] people sane enough to stay out of the tea-party crowd nonetheless [stubbornly] ignore the science of economics, as though they had a big stake in not knowing anything about socialism or capitalism. And this includes many respectable people in congress who clamor politely for tax cuts and a choke-hold of conservative spending. I wish I could see inside their heads. (And I can imagine some of my socialist friends saying, "No, you don't; you don't want to look in there." But I'm curious, [Friend.]
I'll go read your other emails now. ... I think many conservatives will be relieved to see how Obama champions the constitution, despite the fears you're having now.
The next one is a reply to a forward about some proposed legislation, forwarded to me by the same friend.
I just read the email about proposed hate-crimes legislation. If this could really put a gag on religious expression, then I do oppose it. I'm not gonna go all ballistic and treat the government like the enemy, but I do politely and vehemently oppose it. What I'm really hoping is that Congress will re-write it to be harmless, if it isn't already. I'm sure my president didn't intend to hurt his Church with it...
Again, the same fellow forwarded a discussion about the government no longer selling spent ammunition in useable form to private dealers. I remember writer ranted something to the effect of, "He's going after our ammunition!" I replied:
I was reading the FWD about munitions mutilation and thinking, "Why would Obama be so silly, alienating the gun lobby like that? He's supposed to be reaching out to different groups and uniting the country." Then I went to the author's blog and found this anonymous comment that solved the whole riddle:
I agree this is a stupid thing and will hurt us. Please be aware of the truth though! This policy was handed down on June 11 2008!!!! It might fit what many accept is Obama's plan, but it was hatched under Bush! The document is at www.dla.mil/j-6/dlmso/Archives/JSACG/meetings/11Jun08/ADC_220_Small%20ArmsDefinition_DRAFT_JSACG_11June2008.doc Thank goodness! Bush's blunder. My guy's in the clear.
It isn't really that big a blunder, except politically. People who need weapons to protect themselves will pay a premium price for ammo. People with terrorist designs will want it cheap and in bulk. Bush was probably just trying to protect us from the bad guys.
Culled from a late nite chat, this one has nothing to do with politics:
10:50 PM For about two days I could relate to something you said that I never agreed with in the past.
I'm not convinced of it. I can't prove it.
10:51 PM But I felt that there would be something a little anti-climactic about me building my house now
I'm still going to try to build it
I might as well try to do something
And after my period I probably won't feel that way
10:52 PM I'll say, What's 42 when I have the rest of my geological life-span, just like Enoch?
And here is a passage I think I sent to the same person to whom I sent the first two:
I'm thinking now about how in some other countries, capitalists and socialists sit down at the piano together and make beautiful music. I want to see that kind of unity here, because the world needs both modalities the way an automobile needs both an engine and a transmission -- only more so, because economies are iterative and chaotic, whereas automobiles at worst will get you stranded on a hill or something
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