On the Fly

Blogging is a little less therapeutic the way I do it – on the fly, having snuck off to do it, pushing thoughts away because they’re too much to deal with. Mom should know we’d both be more productive if we’d take the time to be ourselves and get our heads in order. Sunday I went to see a movie with my father, and Mom said she resented people having that kind of leisure while she didn’t. Ultimately she gave her blessing for me to see the movie (although I’m pretty sure I will not get a second viewing of this movie that truly rates it.) And she has a point in that, anything I don’t do around here, she will have to do, which is untenable because she has too much to do already.

By day I’m nervous that, when Mom comes home from work I will not have enough to say for myself with regard to how I spent the time. I mean, I know I was productive but – did I hit the most important things? Did I optimize the time?

What have I done, then?

 Returned her truck to its storage space 4 miles away
 Made and ate a very good lunch with my father
 Cleaned up the kitchen
 Took out the kitchen garbage
 Fed the cat and watered the dogs
 Put a financial obligation on hold for 6 months (one of those arrangements you make over the phone when you can’t pay.)
 Trimmed roses
 Made jello
 Wrote email for a Church-oriented project

… That’s all I can think of, and it’s been five hours. Trouble is, someone who wasn’t here could (and may yet) look at it and say I could have done all that faster than I did. But you can’t push a rope. Of course it all looks simpler when it’s done – when all the head-scratching about what should be done next is over and done with.

Yesterday Mom was off from work and we were both so miserable plugging through our work loads and addressing our problems. Again I was anxious that I somehow wouldn’t do it right. The anxiety followed me right off the clock and into bed, where 6 mg of melatonin was needed to put me down in the middle of the night.

One of the chores ahead of me is pleasant. I must prepare audition material.